The point of dating

Dating isn't so much to find your future spouse, it's more to rule out all the people who aren't suitable to be with you.  Especially as a teenager, dating should be used as a tool to find out which qualities in people you need, and which ones are a deal-breaker for you.

Mariah and I were on our way home from the gym today, and she tuned out a little while I was talking, then tuned back in and asked what I was saying.  She does this sometimes, where her mind wanders.  We had a good laugh about it, as we normally do, but then it got me thinking.  At some point she is going to date a boy who thinks this is really annoying, and maybe even gets mad at her for it.  It may even be a boy she really likes. What's to be done?  Move on to the next boy.

If someone doesn't accept you for exactly who you are, then they are not the one for you.  None of us are perfect.  We all have little idiosyncrasies in our personalities.  It's what makes us unique.  When someone is right for you, they accept you for who you are, including your flaws.

She'll be starting high school in the fall, and at some point will start dating.  I have a huge responsibility to help make that process as positive as it can be.  And I think that the right starting point is to look at dating for what it is; a tool to find out who will eventually be right for you.  I know it's hard, but try to think of your own dating process, or your kids', as a prolonged interview process.

If you can look at it this way, it will seem less devastating when it doesn't work out with someone.  Figure out what about that person wasn't right for you, and make an effort to avoid those qualities in the future.  Maybe they were the one who broke it off.  That doesn't change anything.  Something about it wasn't right, so figure out what it was.

The right person is out there for you.  It's a process to find them.  It's unrealistic to think that you'll find them quickly.  As with most things in life that are important, it takes a lot of work to get it right.

Dudes can't take hints

So my 11 year-old says a boy is being too clingy.  Emily and I were driving home from the gym today and she updated me on her boy situation.  We've been talking about it since its earliest stages as a curiosity about kissing, so its no big deal to bring it up.

In any case, they have not kissed, and she is concerned that he only wants to kiss her so he can tell his friends that he did.  Refer to Dad's rule number one about boys:  Whatever you do with them, they WILL tell their friends.  I've repeated this rule to the girls since before they were even interested in boys.  Its a universal truth about boys; they always kiss and tell.  They just can't help it.

In addition to some pressure to kiss, apparently he doesn't give her any space.  He's always as close to her as he can be, and she doesn't like it.  My advice was simple: tell him what you want.  I told her that we of the male persuasion are immune to hints, innuendo, and nuance.  Girls go on and on about all the "signals" they sent to a guy and he never got it.  I have a simple explanation for that.  Its a language we don't speak.

I told Emily to tell him exactly what she wants, or doesn't want.  Either he'll do it, and their relationship has the chance to continue, or he won't, and their relationship has no chance of moving forward.  She is going to have so many opportunities to tell guys that they have to do more, or less, or back off.  I figure the sooner she starts learning how to do that the better.  Because guys aren't about to start understanding the hints.