It's all how you look at it

My daughter wrote me a Father's Day card that said "You taught me to look at life in a different way and when I did I got happier."  First, I think this is about the highest compliment I could get from one of my kids, and second, she is exactly right about the secret to happiness.

Notice that she didn't say that she got happier because I got a better-paying job, or moved into a nicer house, or took a great vacation.  These are all things that so many of us spend our lives chasing, believing that they will make us happier.  But the only thing that will actually make you happier is to change the way you look at life.

Life is hard.  Sometimes it hurts.  That's just the way it is, and wishing that it was different isn't doing you any favors.  Take action to change the things you can in life, then take the equally important action of changing the way you look at life.  What is your reaction when bad things happen?  Do you feel sorry for yourself, choose to be stronger because of it?  What is your reaction when you make a mistake?  Do you beat yourself up over it, or choose to learn from it?

There is only one thing that makes the difference between you being happy and you not being happy.  That one thing is you.  Try looking at things that happen to you, even bad or painful things, as opportunities to grow, to be a better person.  I think you'll notice that it makes everything seem better, and you'll feel happier.

Nobody's perfect

Nobody's perfect, not even dads.  Since today is Father's Day, of course it got me thinking about my dad, which got me thinking about relationships with the people in our lives in general.  Every person in our lives brings us something we can learn from.  Some of it is positive, and some of it is negative, but it is all something we can learn from to shape our own selves, and our own lives.

My dad taught me a lot about how to be a man, and he also gave me examples of how I did not want to be. When I think about him now, I think about the good things that he did as much as the bad things.  But here's the catch; I appreciate both of them.  I try to be like him with the good things, and I try to not be like him for the bad things.  Just because someone has flaws doesn't mean they can't teach you.

Think about the people in your life.  Not just your family, but friends, teachers, co-workers.  What can you learn from each of them?  Think about someone you don't like, or someone who makes you feel bad.  Doesn't that make you think about how you can be a better person, so that you don't make other people feel bad?

Most people go through life making choices without really thinking about what they're choosing and why they're choosing it.  If you choose to live your life on purpose, you can choose to copy the negative behaviors around you, or the positive ones.  It's your choice.  What will you choose?

Get better friends

Do the people in your life raise you up, or bring you down?  Sometimes we end up spending time with people because we're in the same classes, or work together, or live by each other.  But not all friendships are actually good for you.

What kind of person do you want to be?  What kind of choices do you want to make in your life?  Once you know the answers to these questions, the next step is to surround yourself with people who have your same set of values.

We are so strongly affected by the people that we talk with every day.  It can be much easier to be around people with lower moral standards than yours.  People who make bad choices in their lives make excuses, and rationalize their behavior.  They'll do the same thing for you.  They'll tell you why it was okay that you did something that you know you shouldn't have done.  And then you will choose to believe their words, and continue to make bad choices.

The people you choose to surround yourself with should make you want to be a better person.  They should help you reach new heights in your life.  They shouldn't be afraid to tell you if you're making bad choices.  They wouldn't do this to criticize you, but out of concern for your well-being.

Think about the people in your life.  Do they make you want to be a better person?  If they don't, think about replacing them.  Every day of your life gives you another chance to correct any mistakes you've made in the past.  Each day is a new day, where you get to choose what kind of life you're going to live, and what kind of person you're going to be.

What will your choice be?  And who will you choose to have with you?

Do things greatly

You don't have to do great things, but you should do things greatly.  At my daughter's graduation yesterday, the Head of School gave the type of speech you expect at graduations.  Overall, I thought it was great, but I had one problem with it.  She spoke of the graduates who would go on to cure a disease, or hold public office, or a variety of other great things.

This got me thinking.  If our measure of success is doing great things, doesn't this mean that most of us will end up disappointed in our accomplishments?  I have a better idea for how to grade yourself on your success in life.  Rather than aiming for great things, why not aim to do whatever you do greatly.

Whether you're a brain surgeon, or a garbage collector, you are a contributing member of society.  Whatever job you have, be the best at it that you can be.  Aim to get better all the time.  Try to learn new things.  Be great.

Think about how much better the world would be if we all aimed to be the best that we can be at whatever we're doing, rather than dreaming of doing something more glamorous.  I don't mean to say that you shouldn't aim high.  Aim as high as you want, but wherever you are, whatever you're doing, be the best you can be.

You can start today.  Be the best you can be at whatever you do today.  Take pride in what you do.  I think you'll like how good it feels.

Relationships end

You know you're not going to marry every person you date, so why do you think that every friendship in your life will last forever?  Movies and tv shows don't help us; every time friends have a fight they work it out by the end.  Parents don't help when they ask "why aren't you friends with so-and-so any more?  Should I call their mom?"

Here's the thing that no one tells us.  Every single relationship you have in your life will change, and most relationships will end. This is not a bad thing; it's just the way relationships work.  You change as you get older, and so do the people around you.  So it makes sense that you will outgrow each other, or move in different directions.  There isn't any reason to end things on bad terms, since you may end up growing back together later.

Think about your parents and people their age.  How many of them have friends that they've had since childhood?  Even if they do still have some of those friends, I can guarantee you the relationship has changed over the years.

Change of any kind is hard.  It's stressful.  And relationships, by their nature, are emotional.  So it makes sense that the end of any relationship is difficult to go through.  Try to remember this as you lose friends, or as friends lose interest in being close to you.  It will be hard, and that's okay.  But keep in mind that it's normal.  It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you, or with the person you're no longer friends with.  It's just what happens.

Keep making good choices, and being a good person.  Treat people around you kindly.  This way, when your friendships end you can have a clear conscience.  And you'll know that there's another friend out there waiting for you to find each other.

Are you living?

Are you living your life on purpose, or are you letting life happen to you?  I figured since it's the first day of June, my daughter's 14th birthday, and the 13th anniversary of me starting my business, it's time for a gut-check.  So the question is; what are you doing?

I think it's a  good idea once in awhile to look at where you are, and what direction you're heading in, and see if you're living your life on purpose or not.  Are you making choices that have a good chance of leading you to where you want to be in life, or are you just going through the motions of living, waiting to see what might happen next?

I'm not trying to say that you should be planning out every aspect of your life, or obsessing when things aren't going according to your plan, I'm talking more about an overall attitude towards living.  I'm afraid that so many people go through life doing the things they feel they "should" do, but not ever really savoring any of life.  There are so many opportunities out there for all of us, but so many of us come home and spend six hours in front of the television.  I don't want to get to be 60 years old, and look back and wonder where my life went.

So think about what kind of person you want to be, and what kind of life you want to live.  Now think about the choices you make in your daily life.  Do those two things align?  Are you making the choices every day to be who you want, and to live the life that you want? 

It's never too late to turn it all around.  Every day is another opportunity to live the life you want.

Impress yourself

Stop trying to be impressive.  No one is buying it.  Here's the deal.  If someone is going to be impressed by you, they're going to feel that way whether you try to impress them or not.  And if they're not going to be impressed by you, they're going to feel that way whether you try to impress them or not.

We spend so much time worrying about what other people think about us, and trying to impress them.  Maybe what we should be focusing on is being impressive to ourselves.  Think about it.  Who do you wake up with every morning and go to bed with every night?  Who is the one person who you can't get away from?  Your own opinions about yourself are what really shape your personality, and that is what other people see.

If you are doing things that are impressive to yourself, that will translate into self-confidence.  And few things are more attractive to others than self-confidence.  If you don't really feel like you're good at anything, then why would anyone else be impressed with you?

So pick something that you want to be good at.  Maybe it's work related, or maybe it's physical, like running a 10K or a half-marathon.  Maybe you want to learn to play a song on the guitar.  Whatever sparks some feeling in you, go with it.  Make a plan.  Invest the time in it.  Achieve your goal, and see how good you feel about yourself.  You don't need to go around bragging about what you did; just know that you did it at feel proud of yourself.

When you have set a goal, then worked to achieve it, you will feel great about yourself once you complete it.  And if you can truly feel impressed at what you accomplished, then you have impressed the one person whose opinion about you matters the most.

Deal with it

You don't have to like it, but what can you do?  So many things in life will never be the way you want them to be.  And many of them are completely outside of your control.  So, what are you going to do about it?  Are you going to complain to anyone who will listen?  Will it somehow make your life easier if someone else knows that how hard you have it?  (The answer is no).

Part of maturity is accepting the things in life that you cannot change.  It doesn't mean you have to like it.  It means that you look at a situation, and decide that even though you can't change it, and you can't get away from it, you will make the best of it.  If you can get away from it, then do that.  But if you can't, then accept it.

Life is filled with difficult, often painful, experiences.  That's just part of living.  Do you really want to be the person that other avoid because all they do is complain about how bad things are?  Is it really that much worse for you than for the people who aren't complaining?  Maybe the difference is in how you choose to deal with it.

Here's my advice.  Stop wishing that everything would somehow start going the way you want it to.  Life doesn't work that way.  Look around your life, and figure out what you can change, and what you can't change.  Set a course of action to change the things you can.  Accept that you have to live with the things you cannot change.  I mean, really accept it.  No sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, secretly hoping it will change.  It won't.  There is good and bad in life.  This is the bad.

Now choose to redirect your focus on the things that you are changing.  If you're working at it, then some things should be getting better.  Be proud of yourself.  Be happy about those things.

You'll find that if you choose to accept the hard stuff, and focus on the positive stuff, all of a sudden you life will seem better.  It's still the same life, but it's better.  Wouldn't you like to have a better life?  Give it a try.

There's not enough time

There aren't enough hours in the day to do everything.  So how do you prioritize?  How do you decide what really matters, and what just seems important right now?  We have jobs, relationships, kids, extended family, exercise, and more that we have to try to figure out how to fit into our lives.

As you grow up, most of the things you do are assigned for you.  You may choose to join a team, but the practices and games are all scheduled, and you show up when you have to.  As you get older, you have to make more choices about how to allocate the time in your life.  But typically no one ever shows you how to do this.

First, think about what it really important to you, and why.  Really think about the "why" part.  Is it really important to you, or is that baggage from your parents or from a previous relationship?  What truly matters to you?  Imagine yourself 30 years from now, looking back at your life.  Did you choose the things that mattered, or did you choose the things that seemed important at the time, but didn't have a lasting impact?

For me, family time and relationship time are at the top of my list.  Those are far more important to me than money.  I would not choose to work more hours, even for vastly more money, because those hours would take away from my family time and relationship time.  Those are the lasting memories that I want to create for myself and the people I love.  I'm not saying I couldn't find a use for more money, but the trade-off isn't worth it for me.  I quit a good-paying job to start my business, in large part because I wanted to make sure that I didn't miss my girls growing up.

Once you've evaluated what is important to you, now look at how you spend the hours in your day.  Does the allocation of your time match what you value?  If you work more than 40 or 50 hours a week, is that what you want?  Why?  If long work hours take away from family and relationship time, think about a change.  Would it be worth it to make less money, but have more family time, or more walking the dog time?  Would you be willing to move into a smaller house, and drive a less expensive car?  Again, picture yourself looking back in 30 years.  Are you proud of your choices?

If spending time with the people you care about, or getting in shape, are priorities, but you feel like there isn't time, look closely at how you spend your time when you're not at work.  Do you watch TV?  How many hours a day?  Do you waste hours on the internet?  Could this time be re-allocated?  I unplugged my TV 15 years ago, and my life is better for it.

It's so easy to get into habits of how you spend your time, then feel locked into them.  It's also easy to "golden handcuff" yourself, where you work harder and harder to maintain your lifestyle, at the expense of your life.  What good is a big home if you're too tired to enjoy it?

It may not feel like it, but you really are in control of your life.  Or, at least, you could be.  Choose the life you want, then live it.  Make some hard choices if you need to.  Think about the legacy you want to leave with the people you love.  Are you working towards that?  Are you willing to?

I overdid it

We all do it sometimes.  We bite off more than we can chew.  I did it, and now I'm making the adjustments to get my life back to a manageable level.  So it got me thinking, how do you know when you go from "enough" to "too much?"  How do you decide not only when it's time to cut back, but also what you need to cut back?

I overextended myself this year.  I was extremely ambitious when I started the year.  I was taking guitar classes twice a week.  I decided to volunteer one day a week at the food bank.  I started this blog.  I signed up for my first triathlon.  And, of course, I still had a company to run.

I thought I was keeping it together pretty well.  I was wrong.  One of the great things about having a healthy relationship is that your partner can constructively tell you when you're doing something wrong.  Leah pointed out to me that I had not been affectionate with her, and that I had not really paid much attention to her for the past couple months.  In looking back, I realized that she was right.  But while I was in the middle of it, I was so focused on everything that I was doing, I didn't realize the affect it was having on her.  I can only assume that it had the same affect on the girls.

I decided to take a hiatus from guitar class.  I took a break for a couple weeks from the blog, and I think that I'll scale back from six posts a week to three.  The hard part is lowering my mental intensity level surrounding the triathlon.  I still need to train, but I need to find a place mentally where I can remain at the same level of commitment, but not stress out about it.

Everything that I was doing was positive, healthy stuff.  But all of it put together turned into something negative, and mentally unhealthy.  I think that is where the lesson lies.  Even if everything you're doing is positive, doing too much of it can become something negative.

I will be more careful when I add to my schedule.  It makes more sense to only add one new thing at a time, then adjust your life to that before adding anything else.  I learned my lesson, I think.

It's broken

Sometimes you can damage a relationship so badly that it can't be fixed.  I've written before about how anger and communication don't go together, and especially anger and writing or emailing.  But betrayals of trust can be just as damaging.

We all learned growing up that if you apologize for what you did wrong, the other person is supposed to say that it's okay, and forgive you for it.  As children, this is true.  Of course, as children, things that require an apology usually involve an infraction involving sharing, or maybe an accidental collision.

As we get older, and relationships get more complicated, there are more and more ways that you can hurt someone.  And as these increase, so do the chances that you can hurt someone so badly that you cannot apologize it away.  Even if you feel that what you did should be forgiven, it may not be.  Or, the other person may forgive you, and you move forward with your relationship, but the relationship will never be what it was before.

Trust is a powerful thing.  It can take years to build it up, and only seconds to destroy it.  Don't ever forget this.  If you betray someone's trust, your relationship with them may never be the same.  Even if you do it thinking that you're doing the right thing, or thinking that you're helping somehow, a betrayal of trust can never be undone.

Are you fat?

Who says you're fat?  When you look in the mirror, do you see your body the way it really looks, or the way that society and the popular media have trained you to see it?

I was talking with the girls tonight about a topic we've covered many times; body image.  From the time that they were too little to understand what I was talking about, I started showing them the cover pictures on magazines at the store.  I would explain to them that when you see those images of extremely skinny women, day after day, year after year, the idea slowly seeps into your brain that that is what a woman should look like.

As they got older, I would show them the magazine covers and ask them to think about every woman they have ever met.  Do they know anyone with that body?  Have they ever even seen a woman with a body like that?  How many women have you seen in your life who look like that?  We've just recently started to talk about how the images are airbrushed.

These images are not realistic portrayals of what a woman looks like.  But the problem gets worse.  Not only do women see these images and start to think that they should look like a cover model, but men see them too.  Boys grow up seeing these pictures, and thinking that a woman should look like that.  Then they call girls fat if they have a normal, healthy body, and the girl believes it because she's been looking at the same images.

There is no doubt that we have an epidemic of obesity in this country, and I am by no means suggesting that you should allow your body to be unhealthy.  But healthy does not mean having ribs that show through your shirt.  Healthy women have some curves on them.  You know if you're healthy or not.  You know if you're in shape or not.  You know if you exercise, if you watch what you eat, if you drink enough water and get enough sleep.  These are the things that make a healthy body.

The next time you look in the mirror, and you think there's a fat girl looking back at you, look again.  What do you really see?  Is that a healthy female body?  Decide for yourself.  Make the choice to not automatically believe the images you've been seeing your whole life.  You'll feel better about yourself if you do.

Don't type angry

Have you ever tried to un-send an email?  You haven't, because there's no such thing.  Once you click "send" it's gone and there is no getting it back.  This is the reason for the rule; don't type angry.

For that matter, speaking when angry doesn't work out all that well either.  You say things that are coming from your anger, not from the feelings where you normally live.  And although your words won't be in writing like an email, they can still cause damage that you can't take back.

The bottom line this; is anger and communication do not go together.  The point of communication between us is to improve our lives; to help each other; to solve problems.  None of these things can be accomplished if we are angry.  When someone is speaking to you in an angry way, can you really hear what they are saying?  You can't hear them, because all you can hear is their anger.  We know this about others, but we forget about it when it comes to ourselves.

The next time you find yourself mad about something, try to not speak about it.  And absolutely don't email about it.  Let it simmer, and wait until your emotions have subsided.  You'll be able to think about it in a more rational way, and you won't risk saying something that you'll have to apologize for later.

It's not personal

Someone was mean to you.  Someone did something selfish that was hard for you.  You feel like it has something to do with you.  It doesn't.  Not only is it not personal, it actually has nothing to do with you.

It's easy to feel like the actions of other people has something to do with us, especially when their actions affect us.  The fact is, when people are being mean or selfish, their actions are usually so self-centered that they never think for a moment how their actions are affecting other people.

If someone is having a bad day (or a bad life) they will frequently express their frustrations by being mean others.  We all interact with them.  Maybe it's the cashier at the store, or a co-worker, or it could even be someone you love.  When people are acting out in an unkind way towards you, try to remember that while their  negativity is coming in your direction, it is actually only a symptom of their own unhappiness.

When a person is selfish, they will frequently hurt the people close to them by being insensitive to their feelings.  Again, this has nothing to do with you.  They haven't thought of you because they are selfish, which is about them, not about you.  Selfish people are selfish because of themselves, not because of you.  The next time the selfish person in your life is being totally insensitive to what you need, try to remember that they treat everyone this way because they're selfish.  It has nothing to do with you.  Selfish people can never be truly happy, because if you truly believe that you are the most important person there is, you can never be satisfied.

It's hard to remember this when you're feeling the pain from someone else's actions, but try it.  Remind yourself that it isn't about you.  It isn't personal.  You may even feel some sympathy for a person who is so selfish or hurtful that they are preventing their own happiness.

It could be worse

No matter how bad things are, they can always get worse.  I like to keep this perspective in mind when I'm thinking about whatever bad thing may be going on in my life.  Last week I heard an interview with the golfer who choked and threw away his lead at the Masters last year.  He said, "if that was the worst day of my life, I'm better off than most people."  What a great perspective.

It's easy to get bogged down in looking at the things that aren't going your way.  If you're not careful, you can start to think things are really bad.  In reality, things are rarely very bad.  There are always things that you can choose to be thankful for.

The last thing you want to do is think that things can't get any worse.  I feel like this is just inviting disaster.  Go ahead and imagine how things could get worse, then be thankful that none of those things have happened.  And if some of those things do happen, then be thankful that all of them didn't happen.

If you're willing to choose to focus on the good things going on, even when there are bad things going on, you'll find that the bad things don't seem quite so bad.

You're right, but you're still wrong

Sometimes if you're right, you're still wrong.  How badly do you feel the need to defend yourself?  Do you find yourself trying to prove you're right even when it doesn't really matter?  Sometimes proving that you're right can actually make the situation worse, not better.

I had a boss a number of years ago who loved to try to prove himself right all the time, even when he was wrong.  I wouldn't argue with him because he was the boss, and even if I convinced him that I was right, he would have made me pay for it in the long run.  So I kept my mouth shut.

I started thinking a lot about why it was so important for him to prove himself right.  He owned the company.  His name was on the building.  He made over a million dollars a year.  What was he trying to prove?  I finally realized that in spite of his position and income, he was extremely insecure.  He was trying to compensate for his own insecurity by proving himself right all the time.

The next time you find yourself trying to prove that you're right about something that doesn't really matter, think about why you're doing it.  What are you trying to prove?  Can it be enough to just know that you're right, even if the people around you don't?

If it doesn't matter, try to let it go.  See if you can feel better about yourself regardless of what other people think.

Your plan won't work

Your plan looks great, and I'm really pulling for you, but it's not going to work out that way.  One thing that I have definitely learned about life is that your plans almost never work out the way you planned them.  Things do work out in the end, but almost never the way you thought they would.

It's important to plan things out sometimes.  You don't need to plan all the time, but sometimes it's necessary.  However, most things in your life are outside of your control, which means that something is going to come along and sidetrack your plan.  What do you do then?  Cry?  Freak out?  You could, but what's the point?

Remind yourself that this is going to work out.  You don't know how it will work out, but it will.  And I believe that it's more likely to work out if you keep believing that it will.

So don't be too hung up on how it works out, as long as it works out.  If you can let go a little, you'll enjoy the process a lot more.

Be specific to succeed

A vague goal will get you nowhere.  Say your goal is to lose weight.  If you've lost a pound, did you succeed?  Maybe your goal is to learn French.  Once you've learned 2 sentences, are you good?

The only way to have a successful goal is to make it specific.  Instead of setting a goal of weight, set a goal of what size pants you want to fit into.  Instead of setting a goal to learn a foreign language, plan a vacation to a country where they speak that language, and have your goal be to not have to speak English.  Rather than setting a goal to learn to play guitar, set a goal to play open mic night at your local guitar shop.

The other way to make a goal much more real is to attach some sort of competition to the end.  Instead of setting a goal of being able to run 6 miles, sign up for a 10K.  Instead of setting a goal to gain 30 pounds of muscle mass, sign up for an amateur bodybuilding competition.  It isn't about winning, it's about having an event set, which you've already paid to enter.  You're much more likely to hold yourself accountable for your training if you know that you have some sort of public event coming up and you don't want to be embarrassed.  

Last year I signed up for a 5K.  Even when I really didn't feel like running, I knew I needed to or I would regret it on race day.  When that was done, I signed up for a 10K, because I knew that I wouldn't keep running if I didn't have a specific target.  This year, with a triathlon on my calendar, there's no way I can skip a workout, and I'm in the best shape I've been in since I was 18.  I can't imagine any way that I could motivate myself to do 8 workouts in 6 days without having that race on a specific day in the near future.

Holding yourself accountable is hard.  Achieving goals is hard.  So give yourself whatever advantages you can right from the start.  Make your goals specific and attainable, then set some end to it that will make it harder for you to quit.  

And don't forget, the whole time you're working towards your goal, keep imagining how great you're going to feel when you achieve it.  You're capable of so much.  Go out there and find out for yourself what you can accomplish.

Is my past worse than yours?

How do you measure pain and suffering?  Is the pain that I've felt worse than the pain that you've felt?  Does it matter?

Mariah had an assignment at school to write a "This I Believe" essay, based on the segment on NPR where people write a short essay about a personal belief, and the life experience that led to that belief.  All 23 kids in her class wrote as essay, and they read them out loud in front of the other students.  There were a lot of tears as the kids related personal stories of hardship and pain.  What an amazing experience for 13 and 14 year-olds to learn what many adults still don't understand; we have all suffered.

Not many weeks ago, Mariah had written something expressing the hardships that she has had in her life because her parents got divorced, and it was clear that she felt that she had suffered more than most kids her age.  Of course, this is normal.  Most people are well into their twenties before they realize that other people have had experiences different from their own.

Think about all of the people you know.  How much do you really know about their lives?  Maybe you've seen them with their parents, but you haven't seen them alone with their parents.  No one knows what really goes on in the lives of other people; with their parents, with their spouse, at their job.  No one would know that my parents were in a cult if I didn't tell them.  It's so easy to feel sorry for ourselves and focus on our own pain and suffering, but we really don't know anything about the pain and suffering of the people all around us.

It's safe to assume that every person you know has had at least one deep and painful experience in their life which they don't talk about.  You don't know what it is, but it affects who they are today.  Just as you have had your own painful experiences which you don't share with people, but they definitely affect you today.

Try to remember when you are interacting with others that you really don't know where this person came from, or how bad their life has been.  You don't know their pain, and they don't know yours.  Would you judge them less harshly if you knew their past?  If so, maybe you should judge them less harshly anyway.  Give it a try.  You may find yourself liking the people around you a little bit more, and judging them a little bit less.

The past is an anchor

How often do you drive along in your car, mile after mile, looking only in the rear view mirror?  You don't do that because it means you're not paying attention to what's happening in front of you, and you'll crash.  So why does it seem okay to go along day after day, looking back at your life?  Doesn't it seem like you should be paying attention to what is happening in front of you?  Don't crash your life.

Do you know what you have in life?  You have this moment right now.  You have this day you're living.  The past is how you got to this point, but it no longer has any control over you.  Let it go and live your life today.  I'm not suggesting that you should forget life lessons, or forget mistakes you've made.  Rather, choose to learn the lessons, use them to make today a better day, and then let them go.

Let me tell you about a personal experience.  A few years ago, after my divorce, I was looking back at a lot of my life, in hopes that it would help me put the pieces back together.  Specifically, I wondered what affect it had had on me as an adult that my parents were in a cult the whole time I was growing up.  I wanted to know how that experience had changed my life.  What parts of me came from growing up in a cult, and what parts were just me?

I went to Denver to a conference for cult survivors, and met with adults like myself who had grown up in cults.  I talked with some people about getting into counseling.  Then when I came home, I realized something.  That path that I took, even though it wasn't a path that I had chosen, led me to who I am today.  There is no way to go back and change any of it.  None of it will ever be different than it was.  It's impossible to separate out any parts of my past.  I am the sum of those experiences.  

I chose to let it go.  I chose to accept that all of the experiences in my life, both good and bad, are just parts of me today.  And I work every day to be a good person today.  I like who I am today, which means that the path that got me here must have been okay.

Look back, see what happened, then make the choice to live this life today.  Don't let your past crash your present.

Sometimes love just ain't enough

Cheesy song title?  Yes.  True statement?  Also yes.  Making a relationship work takes so much more than love.  I feel like we don't get any preparation for how hard relationships are.  And when you consider that most of our parents don't have a good marriage to begin with, how are we supposed to know how to make a good relationship happen?

Love is an absolutely necessary part of a healthy relationship, but love alone won't get the job done.  It takes a lot of work, and a lot of communication to have a successful relationship, and you have to both be willing to make the effort, or it will fail.

All relationships have problems.  So what do you do when you have a breakdown in communication, or when you're upset about something?  First, you need to both be willing to talk about it.  Second, you need to both be willing to make an effort to improve it.  If either one of you isn't willing to do both of these things, then the little problems will end up becoming big problems

Romantic movies give us the idea that as long as two people love each other, then everything else will work.  They never show us all of the work, the fights, the miscommunication, the sacrifice and compromise that a good relationship takes.  Don't underestimate the importance of love, but don't lose sight of how much effort it takes.

The point of dating

Dating isn't so much to find your future spouse, it's more to rule out all the people who aren't suitable to be with you.  Especially as a teenager, dating should be used as a tool to find out which qualities in people you need, and which ones are a deal-breaker for you.

Mariah and I were on our way home from the gym today, and she tuned out a little while I was talking, then tuned back in and asked what I was saying.  She does this sometimes, where her mind wanders.  We had a good laugh about it, as we normally do, but then it got me thinking.  At some point she is going to date a boy who thinks this is really annoying, and maybe even gets mad at her for it.  It may even be a boy she really likes. What's to be done?  Move on to the next boy.

If someone doesn't accept you for exactly who you are, then they are not the one for you.  None of us are perfect.  We all have little idiosyncrasies in our personalities.  It's what makes us unique.  When someone is right for you, they accept you for who you are, including your flaws.

She'll be starting high school in the fall, and at some point will start dating.  I have a huge responsibility to help make that process as positive as it can be.  And I think that the right starting point is to look at dating for what it is; a tool to find out who will eventually be right for you.  I know it's hard, but try to think of your own dating process, or your kids', as a prolonged interview process.

If you can look at it this way, it will seem less devastating when it doesn't work out with someone.  Figure out what about that person wasn't right for you, and make an effort to avoid those qualities in the future.  Maybe they were the one who broke it off.  That doesn't change anything.  Something about it wasn't right, so figure out what it was.

The right person is out there for you.  It's a process to find them.  It's unrealistic to think that you'll find them quickly.  As with most things in life that are important, it takes a lot of work to get it right.

I'd rather be disappointed

I'd rather be optimistic and always expect the best from people.  Sure, I'll sometimes be let down, but consider the alternative.  I could be cynical, and then every time something bad happens I would feel justified in my cynicism.

The problem with expecting the worst all the time is that you won't be able to see the good things when they happen.  We have a tendency to see what we expect, regardless of what is actually there.  So if you expect all bad, that's what you'll see.

Sometimes I feel silly when I get let down.  I feel like I should have seen it coming.  But then I also feel like there are more times that I expect good things to happen, and then they do.

This doesn't mean that you should just trust everyone all the time.You have to trust your instincts about people. If you have a bad feeling about someone, then you trust your judgement.  Instincts are very strong, and you should trust yours.  But if you're always expecting bad things, then your judgement is already on hold.

Keep expecting the best.  You'll be wrong sometimes, but you'll be so much happier in the long run.

Be present

All you have is right now; this moment.  There is nothing else.  You have done things in the past that led you to right now.  Things will happen to you in the future; some good and some bad.  But the only thing that have in life is this moment.  What are you doing with it?

It's so easy to spend time regretting what happened in the past, or worrying about what might happen in the future.  But if you spend all of your time doing that, you end up missing out on your life as it's happening.

This is not to say that you should pretend that the past never happened, or that you should fail to plan for the future, but that you should not put either of those things at a higher priority level than the present.  Acknowledge  the mistakes that you made in the past, and choose to learn from them to help yourself make better decisions now.  Recognize the good choices you made in the past, and make an effort to continue to make them.  Think about how you want your future to look, and make decisions now that will help lead you to that future.

Most importantly, never forget that your life is happening right now.  It is so easy to get hung up on trivial details, or to worry about things that we can't control.  Choose to be present for your own life; truly present in body, mind and spirit, not in body only.  Choose to live every now to the fullest.  Make every now the best now that it can be.

Make the choice to live your life on purpose by making every moment of your life the best that it can be.

When to quit

Being a quitter is a bad thing, right?  I would say that getting into the habit of quitting, or quitting as soon as things get hard, would be a bad thing.  But sometimes, for your own mental health, you have to know when to throw in the towel.

The fact is, some people are never going to be satisfied.  No matter how hard you try, the end result will always be the same.  When you feel that you are in this situation, ask yourself this: have I really tried my hardest?  Have I put myself in the other person's shoes, and not just thought about it from my own perspective?  Is there any more that I could do that would make a difference?  If you can, with a clear conscience, know that you have given your best, and really thought about it from the other person's point of view, and that nothing more is going to satisfy them, then it just might be time to quit.

At some point in our lives, we all end up in relationships of this type.  It may be with a family member, or a boss.  We may have the option to get out of the relationship, or we may not.  But either way, we need to decide what we're going to do.

It can get to the point where it is not healthy for you to keep trying.  If you're really giving it all you have, and it still isn't enough for the other person, then it's time to make a change.  There is no point getting stuck in a situation where you feel worse and worse, and nothing gets better.  That isn't benefiting anyone.

Don't be a quitter.  But know when it is okay, or even better for you, to quit.

Be happy here

If you can't be happy here, you can't be happy anywhere.  So many people wish for something to change in their life so they can be happy.  If only I lived in a different town; had a different job; won the lottery, then I'd be happy.  There's a major flaw in this type of thinking.  You will still be you.

Your environment may change.  The people around you change.  Your finances may be different, but every day you wake up as the same person, and every night you go to bed as the same person.  Happiness is not something that comes from outside of you.  It is something which you choose for yourself, then you work to achieve it.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying you should give up your dream of moving to a warmer climate, or trying for a higher paying job.  Just don't lose sight of the fact that nothing outside of you will change what is inside you.  And what is inside you is the only thing that really matters.  What good will it do if you're living in a $10 million dollar mansion on the coast if you don't really like yourself?  And if you don't really like yourself here, you aren't going to feel any different there.

If there are things in your life that you want to be different, then make them different.  If you're not happy, really look inside yourself to see why.  Talk to a counselor if you need to.

Fix yourself from the inside, then get to work on the outside stuff.  That way, when you have the money, or the house, or whatever it is you're striving towards, you'll actually be able to enjoy it.

It's okay to be scared

We're all scared.  Things frighten us every day.  Being afraid isn't bad, but allowing the fear to control your actions and make your choices for you is.  If your goal is to live your life on purpose, then giving into your fear is allowing life to happen to you, rather than you charting your own course.

Fear is a powerful emotion.  It can affect our actions without our realizing that it is happening.  But usually, we know that we're afraid, and we have a choice.  Will I face my fear, and try to get what I want, or will I make some kind of excuse, or in some other way choose to let the fear win.

I'm training for a triathlon right now, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm scared.  What if I fail?  What if I can't finish?  What will I do if I'm dead last; still plodding through my 10K and everyone else is done?  Would I have the mental strength to keep going?  I know that these fears are the reason that I never took the leap from the long-distance cycling that I did as a teenager into bicycle racing.

Every day, when I train for my race, I acknowledge my fears.  I recognize them, and I choose to try anyway.  There is a real possibility that I might fail; that I might twist and ankle or crash my bike and be unable to finish.  But should that stop me from trying?

It is hard to face your fear.  It is hard to admit that you're afraid; to admit that if you try, you may fail.  But, once again, the hard choice is the right one.

You could live your whole life without facing your fears, but what will you accomplish?  I would rather know that I tried, even if I fail.  The strength that you will gain from trying, whether you succeed or fail, will make you a stronger person.  And imagine how great it will be when you actually succeed.  Imagine for a moment the personal pride that you will feel when you know that you faced a fear, worked through it, and accomplished something great.  Isn't that worth the effort?

Why I'm happy

Why am I so happy?  The answer is simple; because I choose to be.  Happiness is a choice, and I choose it every day.

When I was 16, my parents had me arrested.  To be fair to my dad, he told me that if I left, he'd call the police.  I knew he would.  He didn't make idle threats, and I made sure of it by defying every threat he ever made.  So I was lying in a jail cell, angry at the world, when something occurred to me.  All of those things didn't matter at all.  Everything that was bad in my life was, in fact, irrelevant.  The only thing that mattered was my attitude.

I decided right then, lying in a jail cell at 16 years old, that I was going to be happy.  I chose to focus on the good things in my life, and not allow the bad things to bring me down.  I have been happy ever since.

I choose to believe that everything will work out.  I choose to believe that anything that isn't great today will be great tomorrow.  I choose to be happy.

Plenty of bad things have happened in the years since then, and sometimes I lose sight of my beliefs, and I allow them to bring me down.  Then I remember that it will all be okay.  Nothing in life ever works out the way you have planned it, or the way you think it will work out, but it all works out.  This is something that I choose to believe, and I'm happy because of it.

Would it be easier to expect the worst all the time?  Maybe.  Cynical people feel like they're always right because it's easier to see the bad than the good sometimes.  You need to make more of an effort to see the good every day.  Sometimes the good things are so small, and so simple, but that doesn't mean they don't count.  Should I remember yesterday for the girl on the highway who gave me the finger, or for making smoothies with Mariah?  What do you remember about yesterday?  Is it positive or negative?

Bad things will continue to happen, but good things will too.  I choose to focus on the positive, and to believe that the bad will turn into good.  This is my choice.  I choose to be happy.  What do you choose?

Where are you going?

Are you going somewhere, or going nowhere?  Do you have a goal in mind, whether it is financial, or simply peace of mind?  What are you doing to work towards that goal.

I live my life on purpose, because the last thing that I want is to wake up one morning at 60 years old, and realize that I haven't done anything that I wanted to do with my life.  I think that so many people just go through the motions of life, but they don't really live.  I choose to live my life.  I choose to enjoy it.  I make choices on a daily basis to help myself move towards happiness.

Sometimes its easy to feel stuck where you are.  There are bills that need to be paid, family members who require attention, and a job where you have to show up every day.  But what you need to remember is that all of these things are actually your choice.

You get to choose if you want a new car, or a new house, or to go out to dinner.  You get to choose if you're going to take part in family functions.  You get to pick your job.  Sometimes it feels like none of these things are up to you, because you're locked into them through choices you made in the past.  Remember this: it is never too late to take control of your own life.

I'm not saying this is easy.  It is not easy at all.  In the past few years I have lost my house, and gone bankrupt, but I have never been happier.  I chose happiness over the material things.  Don't get me wrong, I want the stuff too.  I'm working my way back to being able to buy the stuff I want.  But I chose sacrificing a few years of the material things to be happy.

Every choice you make in life has a consequence associated with it, either positive or negative.  It's up to you to decide if the reward is worth the risk.  Are you willing to have your mom be really mad at you in exchange for feeling free from her mind control?  Are you willing to have people look at you like you're nuts because you sold your house and car and chose to rent an apartment and buy a smaller car?  Are you willing to file bankruptcy and suffer through several years of bad credit to get out from under the burden you've created?  Are you willing to go through the prolonged pain of divorce, to try to find happiness on the other side?

Are you living your life for you, or for the people around you?  Are you living the life you want to be living?  If the answer is no, what are you going to do about it?  When are you going to really start living?

Every day is a new chance for you to start living the life you want.  Maybe today can be your day.

Fail to succeed

I have been perfect at everything the first time I tried it.  No, wait.  That's what I've always wanted, but that isn't quite how it worked out.  I got thinking about this today when Mariah decided to teach herself how to make smoothies.  She was getting upset as the counter became covered in yogurt and strawberries, but I just pointed out that this is how you learn.  We cleaned it up together, she adjusted what she was doing, and we enjoyed some delicious smoothies.

You have to fail to succeed.  You have to fall down.  You have to be bad at what you're doing.  We know this about the simple things, like learning to ride a bike, but we seem to forget this principle when it comes to the bigger things in life.  I was a bad manager before I learned to be a good manager.  I burned things before I learned to be a good cook.  I made my fair share of relationships before I learned to be a good partner.

The only way to really know how to be good at something is by experiencing what it feels like to be bad at it, then learning how to improve.  If you're good at it without even trying, you haven't learned anything, and every experience is better when you learn something from it.

So don't be afraid to try new things for fear that you will fail at them.  You may fail.  And that is okay as long as you make the hard choice to learn from that failure, improve yourself because of it, and be better.

If you think about it, it's pretty cool to be able to turn a failure into making you a better person.

Ask for it

It's a good thing the people around you can read your mind, and they all desperately want to make you happy. Wait, that doesn't happen?  Well then, how do you go about getting what you want?  It's simple, you ask for it.

It would be easier to wait patiently for everyone to give you what you want.  But the right choice is the harder one.  Asking for what you want is hard, because you open yourself to the possibility that someone will say 'no' to you.  But if you don't ask, the end result is the same as if someone told you 'no,' but you never even give yourself the chance for them to say 'yes.'

Is there someone you're attracted to?  Ask them out.  Do you want a raise at work?  Ask for it.  Are you having a hard time with something?  Ask for help.  What's the worst that could happen?  They might say no.  You're in the same situation you were in before, but you just made yourself a little stronger by taking some action in the course of your life.

If your goal is to live your life on purpose, then you have to constantly be working towards your goals, and asking for what you want from the people around you.  At first it's hard to do, but the more you do it, the easier  it will become, and the more you will get what you want by asking for it.

It seems like a pretty simple way to make your life better.  Try it out, and I think you'll like it.

Getting what you want from others

People will disappoint you.  They will let you down.  Sometimes you won't be in a position to do anything about it, but what about the times when you can do something?  What do you do?

The easiest thing to do is to just complain.  You could tell the person that they are disappointing you, or annoying you, or that they are bad at what they're doing.  But will that help the situation?  Do you want to make things better, or worse?  As usual, the right choice is the harder one.

Whether teaching school, or raising a toddler, or managing adult employees, it is always better to state what you do want, not what you don't want.  You don't tell a toddler, "don't put the ball in your mouth," you tell them "leave the ball on the table."  This approach doesn't change at any age level.

Last week when Emily had left things all over the house, I politely pointed them out, and I asked her if she would please pick up her things when she moves to a different part of the house.  When one of my employees got complaints about his driving, I asked him nicely to pretend that I was in the van with him at all times.  I could have yelled at either of them, or pointed out that what they were doing was bothering me, but no one likes to have their flaws pointed out, so where would that get me?

If you consistently treat people with respect, they will work to continue to earn your respect.  And being respectful means not pointing out someone's flaws, but rather asking them nicely for an adjustment in their behavior.

What we're talking about here is management.  Have you noticed that most managers you have had in your life have been bad at it?  The simple reason for this is that managing people, including your own kids, is hard.  If it were easy, most people wouldn't be so bad at it.

If you want to get better results from people, start by respectfully asking for what you want, without complaining or criticizing.  You won't get what you want all the time, but it will work better than the alternative. Try it, and I think you'll be happy.

Why we criticize

You're not perfect, you know.  I know it may come as a shock, but you have flaws.  Of course, we all know that we have flaws, but we don't like to acknowledge it.  If we acknowledge that we are doing something wrong, then we have to either choose to fix it, or choose to leave it alone and pretend we don't know its there.

Typically what we do instead is to find the same flaw in another person, and criticize them for it.  Subconsciously, we are aware of the things we do that are less than ideal.  But consciously,  we don't really want to fix it.  Identifying flaws in ourselves and fixing them is hard work.  It can take a long time and a lot of effort to adjust our behavior, and most of us don't want to do that much work.

But when we criticize others, we're really just trying to take the spotlight off ourselves and put it on someone else.  The more critical a person is of others, the more insecure they are about their own self.

Think about it the next time you find yourself being critical of another person.  Does their behavior really matter?  Why exactly is it bothering you?  Look inside yourself and see if you see your own flaws in that person, and it bothers you.

It takes a lot of work to do this, which pretty much shows that its the right thing to do.  But if you are willing to put in the time, and to take personal responsibility for your own behavior, you'll find that you enjoy your life a lot more.  Personally, I think that being happier is worth the effort.

Lower your expectations

Dogs are so much happier than their owners.  There is one very simple explanation for this.  Dogs expect nothing.  They don't lie awake at night hoping for good things for tomorrow.  They have no expectations for tomorrow, so every good thing that happens is a thrill.

Dogs don't expect to be warm, or comfortable,  or free from pain.  So when these things happen to them, they are immediately happy.  Imagine for a moment how much happier people would be if we weren't constantly setting high expectations for our lives.  The less you want, the more you have.

How would your days be different if you lowered your expectations?  What do you really need to make you happy?  We spend so much time fixating on material things, but those things won't make us happy.  We spend time wishing that the people in our lives would act differently, and that would make us happy.  The people around us are who they are, and they're not going to change.  Instead of hoping for change, try lowering your expectations of them by accepting them for who they are, and see how much more your enjoy your interactions with them.

Try to be a little more like your dog.  Expect nothing, and then everything you get is a gift.

Let the damsel in distress stay there

You can't save somebody.  At least, you can't save them from themselves.  Let's say you meet someone, and you're attracted to them, but they're in a crisis.  Run away.  The problem with someone being in a crisis is that if that is their condition when you meet them, then that is their condition.

Some people live from one crisis to the next.  That is their condition.  Some people are always broke.  That is their condition.  Do you ever wonder how someone could win the lottery, then be broke a few years later?  You know that one friend or co-worker you have who is always, always, broke?  That is the same person.  Their condition is being broke, and nothing, not even winning the lottery, will change that.  

We all know people who seem to just jump from one crisis to the next.  We may look at their life and think, how can they be that messed up?  It is their condition, and there is nothing you can do to change it.

If you met me while I was in some sort of personal crisis, you would never know it.  I would be working through it, solving it, and moving on with my life.  The crisis would not be such a defining part of my personality that I would tell you about it early in our relationship.  Because being in a crisis is not my condition.

This rule does not apply only to romantic relationships.  It is also true for hiring employees, picking roommates, and evaluating friendships.  I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't have any sort of a relationship with someone in crisis, but if you're going to enter into a relationship, it helps to set the correct expectations.  People typically do not change.  They remain exactly who they are, and it is your choice whether you want to allow them to be part of your life, and not to expect them to ever be any different than exactly who they are today.

Right and wrong

Do lawyers really suck?  I mean, we all seem to hate them, but why is that?  Between my divorce, subsequent custody battles, and bankruptcy, I have had more than my share of exposure to the legal system.  Mariah got me thinking about it this week when they had a mock trial in her class, based on the events of the book The Outsiders, by S.E. Hinton.

Our whole lives, we are led to believe that there are clear cut definitions of right and wrong.  If we do wrong, we get punished, if we do right, we get rewarded.  But this isn't really how it works in the legal system.  In court, it isn't about being right, its about making the most compelling argument to the court, using the tools at hand.  This goes against everything our parents and teachers and after-school specials told us, which is probably why most of us hate dealing with lawyers and the legal system.

In order to be a successful lawyer, a person must suspend their childish notion of right and wrong, and accept that they are working in a system with a set of rules.  The one who makes best use of those rules, wins the case.  It doesn't make them right, it just makes them win.

So what's a layperson like you and me to do when we are forced to deal with the legal system?  First, forget about what's right and what's wrong.  That isn't relevant anymore.  Look at your objective, and figure out what you need to do to get it.  Second, don't think that your lawyer has a vested interest in your case.  Your lawyer has lots of cases, and while you may think that this is about what is right and wrong, lawyers cannot afford to think this way.  They are just doing their jobs, trying to make the most compelling argument to the court to win the case.

You don't have to like it, but since its the system we have, just try to make the best of it.

Own it!

Its your fault.  Don't bother blaming someone else, because the fault is yours.  One of my favorite sayings is "own it."  What I mean by this is that you should stop blaming the people around you for whatever is going wrong in your life.  If you screwed it up, own it.  If you reacted badly when someone else screwed it up, own it.  If you're harboring a grudge, or a lingering emotional wound from something that someone did to you, this is on you, not on them.  Own it!

I read an interesting article in the New York Times Magazine a couple weeks ago.  Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers was asked if his dad had any responsibility for his struggles with drug addiction.  His dad blew pot smoke in his face when he was 4, and was there when he did coke for the first time at age 13.  I bet most people would blame their dad if he did those things, then they ended up struggling with addiction.  Mr. Kiedis does not.  He accepts that the choices were his own.  He owned it.

If your choice is to live your life on purpose; to intentionally create the life that you want to live, you have to accept personal responsibility for your life.  This includes the bad stuff.  It is so much easier to blame others when we are not happy, but where is that really going to get you?

Its hard to accept the responsibility for your own happiness, because it means that if you're not happy, its up to you to fix it.  This is not easy to accept, especially if you have created the habit of blaming others.

We have all been hurt by others, but what does it accomplish to spend your time wishing it hadn't happened, or being angry at the person who hurt you?  What good is that doing anyone?  Live your life on purpose.  Realize that the pain you experienced will make you a stronger person if you allow it to.  Decide how to use the pain to grow.  You didn't choose to be hurt, but you get to choose how you react to it.  What will your choice be?  How will that choice affect your life long term?

Here's an example from my own life.  Last year, I was thinking about why I always feel unfulfilled by my accomplishments.  No matter what I did, I felt that I could have done better and that I should not feel proud of my achievement.  For a couple of months, I really listened to the little voice in my head.  I wanted to hear exactly what it was saying.

I figured it out.  It sounded exactly like my dad when I was a kid.  My dad was incapable of giving a compliment without adding on a dig.  No matter what I did, I shouldn't feel good about it because I should have done more, or better.  Even though he had stopped doing it when I was 15 (that's another story) I had internalized the behavior, and I had been doing it to myself ever since.

So what's to be done?  Blame my dad?  Get mad about it?  How about, own it!  I was doing this to myself, and that was no one's fault but my own.  I decided to stop my little voice from talking to me that way, and I figured the best way to do it would be to set a very challenging goal for myself, and give myself permission to feel proud when I achieved it.  And that is the reason I am currently training for a triathlon.

Will you own it?  Will you take responsibility for your own life and your own happiness, instead of blaming others?  Are you ready to be happy, but accept the work that comes with it?  I gotta tell you, it feels pretty good.

Give back

You are not God.  Whether or not you believe in any deity, one thing you can be sure of is that it is not you.  If for some reason you are a god, you may now stop reading.  There is a reason that in Alcoholics Anonymous it is required that you believe in some higher power.  Dr. Bob was smart enough to know that you have to believe in something bigger than yourself in order to be healthy.

One of the best ways to express and understanding that you are connected to something greater than yourself is to give something of yourself, expecting nothing in return.  Donating blood, donating money, donating time, all remind you that there are others out there.

I donate blood every 8 weeks.  I really don't like needles, and I hate the idea of a needle stuck in my arm, but people need that blood more than I do.  I donate time at the local food bank.  I bag groceries, run errands, do computer work, and serve food for their hot lunch program.  There are other things that I would much rather be doing with my time, but those people need my time more than I do.  It is a very sobering experience every time I'm there to see the number of people in my town who don't have enough money to buy food to eat.  Isn't that more important than whatever else I might be doing?

I have a theory that the reason that teenagers have so much angst is that a teenager views himself as the center of the universe.  This is not a criticism of teens, its just part of growing up.  Teenagers are, by nature, extremely selfish.  And, not coincidentally, they are usually not terribly happy.  Life makes a lot more sense when you realize that there is something out there bigger than you.

Of course it's easier to sit at home and watch tv.  Of course its more fun to spend the money on a new pair of shoes.  But as with all things in life, the right choice is the hard choice.

So give back something of yourself.  Donate what you can afford, even if it is just some of your time.  Consider missing one of your favorite shows each week to volunteer on a food line.  Organize charitable giving at school.  Do something to acknowledge that there is something bigger than you out there.  You'll find that it feels pretty good.

Live life on purpose

The secret of happiness in one simple phrase: Live life on purpose.  Life is a combination of the events that happen to us, and the choices we make in reaction to those events.  Every day we make choices that affect what direction our lives take.  Small choices; big choices; choices that seem small at the time but end up being big; choices that are small each time you make them, but add up to something big.

What this means is that in order to get the life you want, you have to do it on purpose.  You have to have some vision of what you want, and make choices every day to help you towards seeing that vision become reality.  But here's the catch: the right choices in life are nearly always the hard choices.  Nothing good in life comes easy.

What choices have you made today?  What will be the result of those choices?  Do you have the body you want?  What did you do today to work towards it?  Do you have the relationship you want?  If not, what are you doing about it?

Your life belongs to you.  You get to choose your own path.  Accept that responsibility and you can achieve anything if you're willing to make the hard choices, and put in the work that is required.

I worked a long day today, and came home tired.  But since I have chosen to complete a triathlon, I know that I have to put in the work, so I rode my bike for an hour, then went for a run.  I made a choice.

A few years ago, my waistline was slowly creeping.  I had to buy new pants.  When those became tight, I refused to buy bigger pants.  I chose to stay thin, so I joined the gym next door to my work.  I was working at least 10 hours a day, and I didn't feel like working out after work, but I also didn't feel like gaining weight, so I made a choice.

When Mariah was born, I took very seriously the responsibility to shape her into an adult.  The choices I have made every day have been the hard choices, but they have all been made with the end in mind.  Mariah and Emily are now 13 and 11, and I could not be more proud of the people they are becoming.  I have made numerous choices.

In 1999, I wasn't happy with the number of hours I was working, and with how little time this left for me to spend with my baby daughter.  I chose to quit my job and start my own business.  I sold everything I owned, worked 14 hour days, and built a business that now gives me time with my girls.  I made a choice.

In 2007, my marriage was draining the life out of me.  I realized that not only was I unhappy, but that my unhappiness, and the example of a bad marriage, was going to have long-term negative affects on my girls.  So I chose to end my marriage.  I lost my house and went bankrupt.  But I chose happiness and setting a positive example for my girls over any material things.  I am happy now.  I made a choice.

I love my life, but I have worked very hard to make it this way.  And I continue to work at it every day.  I make choices every day with the end in mind.  I can't control what anyone else does.  I can only make my own choices.  And you can make yours.  What will you choose?

Greatness

You can't half-ass greatness.  Do you feel like you have greatness in your future?  A lot of us feel like we are above average, and we're kind of waiting to see where the greatness will take place.  Whatever form it takes, greatness is out there waiting for you.

But there is something that you can't overlook.  Its not possible to be great at only one thing in your life.  In order to be great at one thing, greatness needs to be the focus of every aspect of your life.  What I mean is this:  if you're working as a server, or housekeeper to make ends meet while you pursue some other passion, then you should be the best damn server or housekeeper you can be.

Aim for greatness at your day job.  Aim for greatness at the gym.  Aim for greatness in your friendships and your relationships.  Greatness isn't a switch you can flip on and off.  Its something that you choose to be, with your entire being.  Try so hard that you take pride in what you do every day.  Every night you should be able to look back at your day and know that you did your best.  You should feel proud of the effort that you made.

As in all aspects of life, there are no shortcuts towards happiness.  When it comes time to make a decision, nine times out of ten, the hard choice is the right one.  To achieve your greatness, you're going to have to make hard choices.  You're going to have to be uncomfortable.  You're going to have to do hard things when you'd rather do easy things.

If you make it your goal to be the best at everything you do, and take pride in every success you have, even the little ones, then you'll find the greatness you're looking for.

Get a coach

Do you think you're better than Tiger Woods?  Why do we stop getting coaching in our lives?  It could be because we think that once we're good at something, we're above coaching.  Or maybe our fragile ego feels that pointing out an area for improvement is the same as saying that we have failed by not being perfect.

Professional athletes are the absolute best in the world at what they do.  They are the best by so great a margin that we mere mortals cannot hope to ever compete at that level.  And yet, every single one of them has a coach.  Every one of them has someone to point out how they can improve.

Today I drove a couple hours to take a swim clinic for triathletes.  My first triathlon is less than 3 months away, and my swim is by far my weakest event, so I need some help.  Even though I know this, as I finished a lap and came up for the coach to give me feedback, I kind of didn't want to hear what he had to say.  Then I gave myself an internal slap (Michael Phelps has a coach, so shut your pie-hole, stupid ego), reminded myself of why I was there, and listened.

None of us is the best at what we do.  We all have room to improve.  An yet, few of us actively seek feedback from anyone to help us improve.  Imagine how much better we could be.  Imagine how much better you would feel about yourself after improving your job performance, or your golf swing, or your ability to discipline your kids.

Get a mentor.  Get a coach.  Join a discussion forum.  All of the best things in life require being uncomfortable for awhile.  Progress requires sacrifice.  So suck it up, shut down your ego, and let someone tell you how you can improve yourself.

Dudes can't take hints

So my 11 year-old says a boy is being too clingy.  Emily and I were driving home from the gym today and she updated me on her boy situation.  We've been talking about it since its earliest stages as a curiosity about kissing, so its no big deal to bring it up.

In any case, they have not kissed, and she is concerned that he only wants to kiss her so he can tell his friends that he did.  Refer to Dad's rule number one about boys:  Whatever you do with them, they WILL tell their friends.  I've repeated this rule to the girls since before they were even interested in boys.  Its a universal truth about boys; they always kiss and tell.  They just can't help it.

In addition to some pressure to kiss, apparently he doesn't give her any space.  He's always as close to her as he can be, and she doesn't like it.  My advice was simple: tell him what you want.  I told her that we of the male persuasion are immune to hints, innuendo, and nuance.  Girls go on and on about all the "signals" they sent to a guy and he never got it.  I have a simple explanation for that.  Its a language we don't speak.

I told Emily to tell him exactly what she wants, or doesn't want.  Either he'll do it, and their relationship has the chance to continue, or he won't, and their relationship has no chance of moving forward.  She is going to have so many opportunities to tell guys that they have to do more, or less, or back off.  I figure the sooner she starts learning how to do that the better.  Because guys aren't about to start understanding the hints.

Why are people mean?

"Daddy, why did that man honk and give you the finger?"  "Oh honey, that's because his wife won't have sex with him."  How do you explain to kids why people are mean?  Put simply, people who are happy with their own lives treat the people around them well.

Personally, it helps me to accept others' actions if I can understand why they did what they did.  Understanding where someone else is coming from doesn't make it hurt any less when they are mean to you, but at least it can help to know that it isn't personal.  That person isn't striking out at you because of who you are.  They are striking out at the pain in their own lives.

Is the guy behind you in traffic actually irate at you?  Or is he in a miserable marriage, working for a boss who doesn't appreciate him?  He feels like he can't yell at his wife, because he has to live with her, and he can't yell at his boss, because he'll get fired.  But the other driver on the road is someone he can yell at.

Think about it the next time you find yourself angry at someone.  Are you actually mad at what that person just did?  Is your level of anger appropriate for the situation?  Or are you channeling anger from somewhere else?  Now take that a step further.  When you've been repeatedly put down, or looked over, or hurt by someone, doesn't it give you just a moment of power to do the same thing to someone else?

The problem is, it only lasts for a moment, because you can't use someone else's pain to get your pleasure.  You can find your own true happiness by treating other people well, and by being true to yourself.

I know how much it hurts when someone is mean to you.  We've all had it happen to us, and it hurts every time.    But the next time it happens, try to think about what that person is really doing.  I'm happy with my life, and I spend my days treating people well.  What does it say about the person yelling at me?  How miserable are they?  Isn't that kind of sad?

Girls are mean

Boys hurt each other on the outside.  Girls go way deeper.  Being a father of two girls means that I have to somehow help them deal with the cruelty of girls.  Today Mariah found out that two of her classmates invited all of the other eighth graders, including the teachers, to their dance show this weekend, but did not invite Mariah or one other girl.  What's a dad to do?

I try to set the most realistic expectations for my girls.  I have told them since they were little that they don't have to do anything.  They have free will.  If they choose to be mean, that is their choice.  But they should remember that every choice comes with a consequence, either positive or negative.  So I can't tell Mariah that those girls have to be nice to her.  Instead I tell her that they're being mean.  Because, really, what else can you say?  Sometimes girls are just mean to each other.  Well, not just girls of course, but I have daughters so that's where we are right now.

I pointed out that her school is very, very small.  Next year she'll be in high school with 1000 other kids, and will have many more options for friends.  I know that this doesn't help the situation now.  But when kids are being mean to you, and are excluding you, nothing can really help you feel better about it.  It hurts.  It sucks.  I wish I could take the pain for her, but I know that experiencing this pain, and being able to get through it and talk about it with me and with Leah, will help her be a stronger person.

Every thing that doesn't kill you really does make you stronger, but only if you let it.  My sweet little girl is getting a little stronger today.  I'm happy about it, and I hate it.

I've already made up my mind, don't confuse me with the facts

Why do we try so hard to convince people that we're right?  One of my dad's favorite joke lines (or maybe he wasn't joking) was "I've already made up my mind, don't confuse me with the facts."  His point, of course, is that the facts, however interesting, are irrelevant.  People believe what they choose to believe, and see what they want to see.

I think that most of us basically know this to be true, so why do we keep trying to get others to see our point of view?  In short, our ego is a very fragile thing, and it constantly is striving to be assured that its awesome.  But here's the nasty trick; the more you feed the ego, the more it needs to be fed.  So we let our ego make decisions for us, like trying to get you to see things from my point of view.  My ego tells me that if I can convince you, I am somehow more valid in my existence.

Well, I would prefer that my ego just mind its own business and let me live my own life.  Validating yourself by the feedback you get from others is a sure way to feel insecure.  I am good person.  I make good choices.  I treat other people well.  If I believe that these statements are true, deep in my heart, then why does it matter whether someone else agrees with them or not?

The sooner we can each feel secure in ourselves, and not need every person we bump into to know how awesome we are, the sooner we can get to work on actually being awesome, and really enjoying it!

Happily Ever After

Has Happily Ever After ruined us for real relationships?  I was driving Mariah home from swim practice tonight and she filled me in on what she's been learning in Film Critique.  Specifically, the foreign films they watched didn't have happy endings, but the Hollywood films did.

I talked to her about how we are brainwashed by movies, starting with Disney and their Princesses up to every Romantic Comedy made today, end just as the couple gets together.  Cue the sunset, start the music, roll the credits, everything is perfectly wonderful forever and ever.  Except that by glossing over all of the actual work that goes into having a successful relationship, we set unrealistic for ourselves in our relationships.

I'm not proposing that Hollywood turn all dark and brooding and make depressing films of couples fighting, but this means that it opens up an area for me to help my kids.  I feel that one of my jobs as a dad is to help my girls be ready to have healthy relationships, and this means preparing them for the good and the bad.  Let's face it, having a good relationship, whether its dating or marriage, requires a lot; communication, compromise, and work from both people.  But for some reason it seems like no one tells us this, so when our relationships get serious and start getting difficult, they end up falling apart.

What's to be done?  Set realistic expectations.  Realize that relationships are hard work.  Be ready to put in the work, and make sure the partner you pick is willing to do the work too.  And feel free to enjoy the romantic comedies, because they're still awesome.