When to quit

Being a quitter is a bad thing, right?  I would say that getting into the habit of quitting, or quitting as soon as things get hard, would be a bad thing.  But sometimes, for your own mental health, you have to know when to throw in the towel.

The fact is, some people are never going to be satisfied.  No matter how hard you try, the end result will always be the same.  When you feel that you are in this situation, ask yourself this: have I really tried my hardest?  Have I put myself in the other person's shoes, and not just thought about it from my own perspective?  Is there any more that I could do that would make a difference?  If you can, with a clear conscience, know that you have given your best, and really thought about it from the other person's point of view, and that nothing more is going to satisfy them, then it just might be time to quit.

At some point in our lives, we all end up in relationships of this type.  It may be with a family member, or a boss.  We may have the option to get out of the relationship, or we may not.  But either way, we need to decide what we're going to do.

It can get to the point where it is not healthy for you to keep trying.  If you're really giving it all you have, and it still isn't enough for the other person, then it's time to make a change.  There is no point getting stuck in a situation where you feel worse and worse, and nothing gets better.  That isn't benefiting anyone.

Don't be a quitter.  But know when it is okay, or even better for you, to quit.

Be happy here

If you can't be happy here, you can't be happy anywhere.  So many people wish for something to change in their life so they can be happy.  If only I lived in a different town; had a different job; won the lottery, then I'd be happy.  There's a major flaw in this type of thinking.  You will still be you.

Your environment may change.  The people around you change.  Your finances may be different, but every day you wake up as the same person, and every night you go to bed as the same person.  Happiness is not something that comes from outside of you.  It is something which you choose for yourself, then you work to achieve it.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying you should give up your dream of moving to a warmer climate, or trying for a higher paying job.  Just don't lose sight of the fact that nothing outside of you will change what is inside you.  And what is inside you is the only thing that really matters.  What good will it do if you're living in a $10 million dollar mansion on the coast if you don't really like yourself?  And if you don't really like yourself here, you aren't going to feel any different there.

If there are things in your life that you want to be different, then make them different.  If you're not happy, really look inside yourself to see why.  Talk to a counselor if you need to.

Fix yourself from the inside, then get to work on the outside stuff.  That way, when you have the money, or the house, or whatever it is you're striving towards, you'll actually be able to enjoy it.

It's okay to be scared

We're all scared.  Things frighten us every day.  Being afraid isn't bad, but allowing the fear to control your actions and make your choices for you is.  If your goal is to live your life on purpose, then giving into your fear is allowing life to happen to you, rather than you charting your own course.

Fear is a powerful emotion.  It can affect our actions without our realizing that it is happening.  But usually, we know that we're afraid, and we have a choice.  Will I face my fear, and try to get what I want, or will I make some kind of excuse, or in some other way choose to let the fear win.

I'm training for a triathlon right now, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm scared.  What if I fail?  What if I can't finish?  What will I do if I'm dead last; still plodding through my 10K and everyone else is done?  Would I have the mental strength to keep going?  I know that these fears are the reason that I never took the leap from the long-distance cycling that I did as a teenager into bicycle racing.

Every day, when I train for my race, I acknowledge my fears.  I recognize them, and I choose to try anyway.  There is a real possibility that I might fail; that I might twist and ankle or crash my bike and be unable to finish.  But should that stop me from trying?

It is hard to face your fear.  It is hard to admit that you're afraid; to admit that if you try, you may fail.  But, once again, the hard choice is the right one.

You could live your whole life without facing your fears, but what will you accomplish?  I would rather know that I tried, even if I fail.  The strength that you will gain from trying, whether you succeed or fail, will make you a stronger person.  And imagine how great it will be when you actually succeed.  Imagine for a moment the personal pride that you will feel when you know that you faced a fear, worked through it, and accomplished something great.  Isn't that worth the effort?

Why I'm happy

Why am I so happy?  The answer is simple; because I choose to be.  Happiness is a choice, and I choose it every day.

When I was 16, my parents had me arrested.  To be fair to my dad, he told me that if I left, he'd call the police.  I knew he would.  He didn't make idle threats, and I made sure of it by defying every threat he ever made.  So I was lying in a jail cell, angry at the world, when something occurred to me.  All of those things didn't matter at all.  Everything that was bad in my life was, in fact, irrelevant.  The only thing that mattered was my attitude.

I decided right then, lying in a jail cell at 16 years old, that I was going to be happy.  I chose to focus on the good things in my life, and not allow the bad things to bring me down.  I have been happy ever since.

I choose to believe that everything will work out.  I choose to believe that anything that isn't great today will be great tomorrow.  I choose to be happy.

Plenty of bad things have happened in the years since then, and sometimes I lose sight of my beliefs, and I allow them to bring me down.  Then I remember that it will all be okay.  Nothing in life ever works out the way you have planned it, or the way you think it will work out, but it all works out.  This is something that I choose to believe, and I'm happy because of it.

Would it be easier to expect the worst all the time?  Maybe.  Cynical people feel like they're always right because it's easier to see the bad than the good sometimes.  You need to make more of an effort to see the good every day.  Sometimes the good things are so small, and so simple, but that doesn't mean they don't count.  Should I remember yesterday for the girl on the highway who gave me the finger, or for making smoothies with Mariah?  What do you remember about yesterday?  Is it positive or negative?

Bad things will continue to happen, but good things will too.  I choose to focus on the positive, and to believe that the bad will turn into good.  This is my choice.  I choose to be happy.  What do you choose?

Where are you going?

Are you going somewhere, or going nowhere?  Do you have a goal in mind, whether it is financial, or simply peace of mind?  What are you doing to work towards that goal.

I live my life on purpose, because the last thing that I want is to wake up one morning at 60 years old, and realize that I haven't done anything that I wanted to do with my life.  I think that so many people just go through the motions of life, but they don't really live.  I choose to live my life.  I choose to enjoy it.  I make choices on a daily basis to help myself move towards happiness.

Sometimes its easy to feel stuck where you are.  There are bills that need to be paid, family members who require attention, and a job where you have to show up every day.  But what you need to remember is that all of these things are actually your choice.

You get to choose if you want a new car, or a new house, or to go out to dinner.  You get to choose if you're going to take part in family functions.  You get to pick your job.  Sometimes it feels like none of these things are up to you, because you're locked into them through choices you made in the past.  Remember this: it is never too late to take control of your own life.

I'm not saying this is easy.  It is not easy at all.  In the past few years I have lost my house, and gone bankrupt, but I have never been happier.  I chose happiness over the material things.  Don't get me wrong, I want the stuff too.  I'm working my way back to being able to buy the stuff I want.  But I chose sacrificing a few years of the material things to be happy.

Every choice you make in life has a consequence associated with it, either positive or negative.  It's up to you to decide if the reward is worth the risk.  Are you willing to have your mom be really mad at you in exchange for feeling free from her mind control?  Are you willing to have people look at you like you're nuts because you sold your house and car and chose to rent an apartment and buy a smaller car?  Are you willing to file bankruptcy and suffer through several years of bad credit to get out from under the burden you've created?  Are you willing to go through the prolonged pain of divorce, to try to find happiness on the other side?

Are you living your life for you, or for the people around you?  Are you living the life you want to be living?  If the answer is no, what are you going to do about it?  When are you going to really start living?

Every day is a new chance for you to start living the life you want.  Maybe today can be your day.

Fail to succeed

I have been perfect at everything the first time I tried it.  No, wait.  That's what I've always wanted, but that isn't quite how it worked out.  I got thinking about this today when Mariah decided to teach herself how to make smoothies.  She was getting upset as the counter became covered in yogurt and strawberries, but I just pointed out that this is how you learn.  We cleaned it up together, she adjusted what she was doing, and we enjoyed some delicious smoothies.

You have to fail to succeed.  You have to fall down.  You have to be bad at what you're doing.  We know this about the simple things, like learning to ride a bike, but we seem to forget this principle when it comes to the bigger things in life.  I was a bad manager before I learned to be a good manager.  I burned things before I learned to be a good cook.  I made my fair share of relationships before I learned to be a good partner.

The only way to really know how to be good at something is by experiencing what it feels like to be bad at it, then learning how to improve.  If you're good at it without even trying, you haven't learned anything, and every experience is better when you learn something from it.

So don't be afraid to try new things for fear that you will fail at them.  You may fail.  And that is okay as long as you make the hard choice to learn from that failure, improve yourself because of it, and be better.

If you think about it, it's pretty cool to be able to turn a failure into making you a better person.

Ask for it

It's a good thing the people around you can read your mind, and they all desperately want to make you happy. Wait, that doesn't happen?  Well then, how do you go about getting what you want?  It's simple, you ask for it.

It would be easier to wait patiently for everyone to give you what you want.  But the right choice is the harder one.  Asking for what you want is hard, because you open yourself to the possibility that someone will say 'no' to you.  But if you don't ask, the end result is the same as if someone told you 'no,' but you never even give yourself the chance for them to say 'yes.'

Is there someone you're attracted to?  Ask them out.  Do you want a raise at work?  Ask for it.  Are you having a hard time with something?  Ask for help.  What's the worst that could happen?  They might say no.  You're in the same situation you were in before, but you just made yourself a little stronger by taking some action in the course of your life.

If your goal is to live your life on purpose, then you have to constantly be working towards your goals, and asking for what you want from the people around you.  At first it's hard to do, but the more you do it, the easier  it will become, and the more you will get what you want by asking for it.

It seems like a pretty simple way to make your life better.  Try it out, and I think you'll like it.

Getting what you want from others

People will disappoint you.  They will let you down.  Sometimes you won't be in a position to do anything about it, but what about the times when you can do something?  What do you do?

The easiest thing to do is to just complain.  You could tell the person that they are disappointing you, or annoying you, or that they are bad at what they're doing.  But will that help the situation?  Do you want to make things better, or worse?  As usual, the right choice is the harder one.

Whether teaching school, or raising a toddler, or managing adult employees, it is always better to state what you do want, not what you don't want.  You don't tell a toddler, "don't put the ball in your mouth," you tell them "leave the ball on the table."  This approach doesn't change at any age level.

Last week when Emily had left things all over the house, I politely pointed them out, and I asked her if she would please pick up her things when she moves to a different part of the house.  When one of my employees got complaints about his driving, I asked him nicely to pretend that I was in the van with him at all times.  I could have yelled at either of them, or pointed out that what they were doing was bothering me, but no one likes to have their flaws pointed out, so where would that get me?

If you consistently treat people with respect, they will work to continue to earn your respect.  And being respectful means not pointing out someone's flaws, but rather asking them nicely for an adjustment in their behavior.

What we're talking about here is management.  Have you noticed that most managers you have had in your life have been bad at it?  The simple reason for this is that managing people, including your own kids, is hard.  If it were easy, most people wouldn't be so bad at it.

If you want to get better results from people, start by respectfully asking for what you want, without complaining or criticizing.  You won't get what you want all the time, but it will work better than the alternative. Try it, and I think you'll be happy.

Why we criticize

You're not perfect, you know.  I know it may come as a shock, but you have flaws.  Of course, we all know that we have flaws, but we don't like to acknowledge it.  If we acknowledge that we are doing something wrong, then we have to either choose to fix it, or choose to leave it alone and pretend we don't know its there.

Typically what we do instead is to find the same flaw in another person, and criticize them for it.  Subconsciously, we are aware of the things we do that are less than ideal.  But consciously,  we don't really want to fix it.  Identifying flaws in ourselves and fixing them is hard work.  It can take a long time and a lot of effort to adjust our behavior, and most of us don't want to do that much work.

But when we criticize others, we're really just trying to take the spotlight off ourselves and put it on someone else.  The more critical a person is of others, the more insecure they are about their own self.

Think about it the next time you find yourself being critical of another person.  Does their behavior really matter?  Why exactly is it bothering you?  Look inside yourself and see if you see your own flaws in that person, and it bothers you.

It takes a lot of work to do this, which pretty much shows that its the right thing to do.  But if you are willing to put in the time, and to take personal responsibility for your own behavior, you'll find that you enjoy your life a lot more.  Personally, I think that being happier is worth the effort.

Lower your expectations

Dogs are so much happier than their owners.  There is one very simple explanation for this.  Dogs expect nothing.  They don't lie awake at night hoping for good things for tomorrow.  They have no expectations for tomorrow, so every good thing that happens is a thrill.

Dogs don't expect to be warm, or comfortable,  or free from pain.  So when these things happen to them, they are immediately happy.  Imagine for a moment how much happier people would be if we weren't constantly setting high expectations for our lives.  The less you want, the more you have.

How would your days be different if you lowered your expectations?  What do you really need to make you happy?  We spend so much time fixating on material things, but those things won't make us happy.  We spend time wishing that the people in our lives would act differently, and that would make us happy.  The people around us are who they are, and they're not going to change.  Instead of hoping for change, try lowering your expectations of them by accepting them for who they are, and see how much more your enjoy your interactions with them.

Try to be a little more like your dog.  Expect nothing, and then everything you get is a gift.

Let the damsel in distress stay there

You can't save somebody.  At least, you can't save them from themselves.  Let's say you meet someone, and you're attracted to them, but they're in a crisis.  Run away.  The problem with someone being in a crisis is that if that is their condition when you meet them, then that is their condition.

Some people live from one crisis to the next.  That is their condition.  Some people are always broke.  That is their condition.  Do you ever wonder how someone could win the lottery, then be broke a few years later?  You know that one friend or co-worker you have who is always, always, broke?  That is the same person.  Their condition is being broke, and nothing, not even winning the lottery, will change that.  

We all know people who seem to just jump from one crisis to the next.  We may look at their life and think, how can they be that messed up?  It is their condition, and there is nothing you can do to change it.

If you met me while I was in some sort of personal crisis, you would never know it.  I would be working through it, solving it, and moving on with my life.  The crisis would not be such a defining part of my personality that I would tell you about it early in our relationship.  Because being in a crisis is not my condition.

This rule does not apply only to romantic relationships.  It is also true for hiring employees, picking roommates, and evaluating friendships.  I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't have any sort of a relationship with someone in crisis, but if you're going to enter into a relationship, it helps to set the correct expectations.  People typically do not change.  They remain exactly who they are, and it is your choice whether you want to allow them to be part of your life, and not to expect them to ever be any different than exactly who they are today.

Right and wrong

Do lawyers really suck?  I mean, we all seem to hate them, but why is that?  Between my divorce, subsequent custody battles, and bankruptcy, I have had more than my share of exposure to the legal system.  Mariah got me thinking about it this week when they had a mock trial in her class, based on the events of the book The Outsiders, by S.E. Hinton.

Our whole lives, we are led to believe that there are clear cut definitions of right and wrong.  If we do wrong, we get punished, if we do right, we get rewarded.  But this isn't really how it works in the legal system.  In court, it isn't about being right, its about making the most compelling argument to the court, using the tools at hand.  This goes against everything our parents and teachers and after-school specials told us, which is probably why most of us hate dealing with lawyers and the legal system.

In order to be a successful lawyer, a person must suspend their childish notion of right and wrong, and accept that they are working in a system with a set of rules.  The one who makes best use of those rules, wins the case.  It doesn't make them right, it just makes them win.

So what's a layperson like you and me to do when we are forced to deal with the legal system?  First, forget about what's right and what's wrong.  That isn't relevant anymore.  Look at your objective, and figure out what you need to do to get it.  Second, don't think that your lawyer has a vested interest in your case.  Your lawyer has lots of cases, and while you may think that this is about what is right and wrong, lawyers cannot afford to think this way.  They are just doing their jobs, trying to make the most compelling argument to the court to win the case.

You don't have to like it, but since its the system we have, just try to make the best of it.

Own it!

Its your fault.  Don't bother blaming someone else, because the fault is yours.  One of my favorite sayings is "own it."  What I mean by this is that you should stop blaming the people around you for whatever is going wrong in your life.  If you screwed it up, own it.  If you reacted badly when someone else screwed it up, own it.  If you're harboring a grudge, or a lingering emotional wound from something that someone did to you, this is on you, not on them.  Own it!

I read an interesting article in the New York Times Magazine a couple weeks ago.  Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers was asked if his dad had any responsibility for his struggles with drug addiction.  His dad blew pot smoke in his face when he was 4, and was there when he did coke for the first time at age 13.  I bet most people would blame their dad if he did those things, then they ended up struggling with addiction.  Mr. Kiedis does not.  He accepts that the choices were his own.  He owned it.

If your choice is to live your life on purpose; to intentionally create the life that you want to live, you have to accept personal responsibility for your life.  This includes the bad stuff.  It is so much easier to blame others when we are not happy, but where is that really going to get you?

Its hard to accept the responsibility for your own happiness, because it means that if you're not happy, its up to you to fix it.  This is not easy to accept, especially if you have created the habit of blaming others.

We have all been hurt by others, but what does it accomplish to spend your time wishing it hadn't happened, or being angry at the person who hurt you?  What good is that doing anyone?  Live your life on purpose.  Realize that the pain you experienced will make you a stronger person if you allow it to.  Decide how to use the pain to grow.  You didn't choose to be hurt, but you get to choose how you react to it.  What will your choice be?  How will that choice affect your life long term?

Here's an example from my own life.  Last year, I was thinking about why I always feel unfulfilled by my accomplishments.  No matter what I did, I felt that I could have done better and that I should not feel proud of my achievement.  For a couple of months, I really listened to the little voice in my head.  I wanted to hear exactly what it was saying.

I figured it out.  It sounded exactly like my dad when I was a kid.  My dad was incapable of giving a compliment without adding on a dig.  No matter what I did, I shouldn't feel good about it because I should have done more, or better.  Even though he had stopped doing it when I was 15 (that's another story) I had internalized the behavior, and I had been doing it to myself ever since.

So what's to be done?  Blame my dad?  Get mad about it?  How about, own it!  I was doing this to myself, and that was no one's fault but my own.  I decided to stop my little voice from talking to me that way, and I figured the best way to do it would be to set a very challenging goal for myself, and give myself permission to feel proud when I achieved it.  And that is the reason I am currently training for a triathlon.

Will you own it?  Will you take responsibility for your own life and your own happiness, instead of blaming others?  Are you ready to be happy, but accept the work that comes with it?  I gotta tell you, it feels pretty good.

Give back

You are not God.  Whether or not you believe in any deity, one thing you can be sure of is that it is not you.  If for some reason you are a god, you may now stop reading.  There is a reason that in Alcoholics Anonymous it is required that you believe in some higher power.  Dr. Bob was smart enough to know that you have to believe in something bigger than yourself in order to be healthy.

One of the best ways to express and understanding that you are connected to something greater than yourself is to give something of yourself, expecting nothing in return.  Donating blood, donating money, donating time, all remind you that there are others out there.

I donate blood every 8 weeks.  I really don't like needles, and I hate the idea of a needle stuck in my arm, but people need that blood more than I do.  I donate time at the local food bank.  I bag groceries, run errands, do computer work, and serve food for their hot lunch program.  There are other things that I would much rather be doing with my time, but those people need my time more than I do.  It is a very sobering experience every time I'm there to see the number of people in my town who don't have enough money to buy food to eat.  Isn't that more important than whatever else I might be doing?

I have a theory that the reason that teenagers have so much angst is that a teenager views himself as the center of the universe.  This is not a criticism of teens, its just part of growing up.  Teenagers are, by nature, extremely selfish.  And, not coincidentally, they are usually not terribly happy.  Life makes a lot more sense when you realize that there is something out there bigger than you.

Of course it's easier to sit at home and watch tv.  Of course its more fun to spend the money on a new pair of shoes.  But as with all things in life, the right choice is the hard choice.

So give back something of yourself.  Donate what you can afford, even if it is just some of your time.  Consider missing one of your favorite shows each week to volunteer on a food line.  Organize charitable giving at school.  Do something to acknowledge that there is something bigger than you out there.  You'll find that it feels pretty good.

Live life on purpose

The secret of happiness in one simple phrase: Live life on purpose.  Life is a combination of the events that happen to us, and the choices we make in reaction to those events.  Every day we make choices that affect what direction our lives take.  Small choices; big choices; choices that seem small at the time but end up being big; choices that are small each time you make them, but add up to something big.

What this means is that in order to get the life you want, you have to do it on purpose.  You have to have some vision of what you want, and make choices every day to help you towards seeing that vision become reality.  But here's the catch: the right choices in life are nearly always the hard choices.  Nothing good in life comes easy.

What choices have you made today?  What will be the result of those choices?  Do you have the body you want?  What did you do today to work towards it?  Do you have the relationship you want?  If not, what are you doing about it?

Your life belongs to you.  You get to choose your own path.  Accept that responsibility and you can achieve anything if you're willing to make the hard choices, and put in the work that is required.

I worked a long day today, and came home tired.  But since I have chosen to complete a triathlon, I know that I have to put in the work, so I rode my bike for an hour, then went for a run.  I made a choice.

A few years ago, my waistline was slowly creeping.  I had to buy new pants.  When those became tight, I refused to buy bigger pants.  I chose to stay thin, so I joined the gym next door to my work.  I was working at least 10 hours a day, and I didn't feel like working out after work, but I also didn't feel like gaining weight, so I made a choice.

When Mariah was born, I took very seriously the responsibility to shape her into an adult.  The choices I have made every day have been the hard choices, but they have all been made with the end in mind.  Mariah and Emily are now 13 and 11, and I could not be more proud of the people they are becoming.  I have made numerous choices.

In 1999, I wasn't happy with the number of hours I was working, and with how little time this left for me to spend with my baby daughter.  I chose to quit my job and start my own business.  I sold everything I owned, worked 14 hour days, and built a business that now gives me time with my girls.  I made a choice.

In 2007, my marriage was draining the life out of me.  I realized that not only was I unhappy, but that my unhappiness, and the example of a bad marriage, was going to have long-term negative affects on my girls.  So I chose to end my marriage.  I lost my house and went bankrupt.  But I chose happiness and setting a positive example for my girls over any material things.  I am happy now.  I made a choice.

I love my life, but I have worked very hard to make it this way.  And I continue to work at it every day.  I make choices every day with the end in mind.  I can't control what anyone else does.  I can only make my own choices.  And you can make yours.  What will you choose?

Greatness

You can't half-ass greatness.  Do you feel like you have greatness in your future?  A lot of us feel like we are above average, and we're kind of waiting to see where the greatness will take place.  Whatever form it takes, greatness is out there waiting for you.

But there is something that you can't overlook.  Its not possible to be great at only one thing in your life.  In order to be great at one thing, greatness needs to be the focus of every aspect of your life.  What I mean is this:  if you're working as a server, or housekeeper to make ends meet while you pursue some other passion, then you should be the best damn server or housekeeper you can be.

Aim for greatness at your day job.  Aim for greatness at the gym.  Aim for greatness in your friendships and your relationships.  Greatness isn't a switch you can flip on and off.  Its something that you choose to be, with your entire being.  Try so hard that you take pride in what you do every day.  Every night you should be able to look back at your day and know that you did your best.  You should feel proud of the effort that you made.

As in all aspects of life, there are no shortcuts towards happiness.  When it comes time to make a decision, nine times out of ten, the hard choice is the right one.  To achieve your greatness, you're going to have to make hard choices.  You're going to have to be uncomfortable.  You're going to have to do hard things when you'd rather do easy things.

If you make it your goal to be the best at everything you do, and take pride in every success you have, even the little ones, then you'll find the greatness you're looking for.

Get a coach

Do you think you're better than Tiger Woods?  Why do we stop getting coaching in our lives?  It could be because we think that once we're good at something, we're above coaching.  Or maybe our fragile ego feels that pointing out an area for improvement is the same as saying that we have failed by not being perfect.

Professional athletes are the absolute best in the world at what they do.  They are the best by so great a margin that we mere mortals cannot hope to ever compete at that level.  And yet, every single one of them has a coach.  Every one of them has someone to point out how they can improve.

Today I drove a couple hours to take a swim clinic for triathletes.  My first triathlon is less than 3 months away, and my swim is by far my weakest event, so I need some help.  Even though I know this, as I finished a lap and came up for the coach to give me feedback, I kind of didn't want to hear what he had to say.  Then I gave myself an internal slap (Michael Phelps has a coach, so shut your pie-hole, stupid ego), reminded myself of why I was there, and listened.

None of us is the best at what we do.  We all have room to improve.  An yet, few of us actively seek feedback from anyone to help us improve.  Imagine how much better we could be.  Imagine how much better you would feel about yourself after improving your job performance, or your golf swing, or your ability to discipline your kids.

Get a mentor.  Get a coach.  Join a discussion forum.  All of the best things in life require being uncomfortable for awhile.  Progress requires sacrifice.  So suck it up, shut down your ego, and let someone tell you how you can improve yourself.

Dudes can't take hints

So my 11 year-old says a boy is being too clingy.  Emily and I were driving home from the gym today and she updated me on her boy situation.  We've been talking about it since its earliest stages as a curiosity about kissing, so its no big deal to bring it up.

In any case, they have not kissed, and she is concerned that he only wants to kiss her so he can tell his friends that he did.  Refer to Dad's rule number one about boys:  Whatever you do with them, they WILL tell their friends.  I've repeated this rule to the girls since before they were even interested in boys.  Its a universal truth about boys; they always kiss and tell.  They just can't help it.

In addition to some pressure to kiss, apparently he doesn't give her any space.  He's always as close to her as he can be, and she doesn't like it.  My advice was simple: tell him what you want.  I told her that we of the male persuasion are immune to hints, innuendo, and nuance.  Girls go on and on about all the "signals" they sent to a guy and he never got it.  I have a simple explanation for that.  Its a language we don't speak.

I told Emily to tell him exactly what she wants, or doesn't want.  Either he'll do it, and their relationship has the chance to continue, or he won't, and their relationship has no chance of moving forward.  She is going to have so many opportunities to tell guys that they have to do more, or less, or back off.  I figure the sooner she starts learning how to do that the better.  Because guys aren't about to start understanding the hints.

Why are people mean?

"Daddy, why did that man honk and give you the finger?"  "Oh honey, that's because his wife won't have sex with him."  How do you explain to kids why people are mean?  Put simply, people who are happy with their own lives treat the people around them well.

Personally, it helps me to accept others' actions if I can understand why they did what they did.  Understanding where someone else is coming from doesn't make it hurt any less when they are mean to you, but at least it can help to know that it isn't personal.  That person isn't striking out at you because of who you are.  They are striking out at the pain in their own lives.

Is the guy behind you in traffic actually irate at you?  Or is he in a miserable marriage, working for a boss who doesn't appreciate him?  He feels like he can't yell at his wife, because he has to live with her, and he can't yell at his boss, because he'll get fired.  But the other driver on the road is someone he can yell at.

Think about it the next time you find yourself angry at someone.  Are you actually mad at what that person just did?  Is your level of anger appropriate for the situation?  Or are you channeling anger from somewhere else?  Now take that a step further.  When you've been repeatedly put down, or looked over, or hurt by someone, doesn't it give you just a moment of power to do the same thing to someone else?

The problem is, it only lasts for a moment, because you can't use someone else's pain to get your pleasure.  You can find your own true happiness by treating other people well, and by being true to yourself.

I know how much it hurts when someone is mean to you.  We've all had it happen to us, and it hurts every time.    But the next time it happens, try to think about what that person is really doing.  I'm happy with my life, and I spend my days treating people well.  What does it say about the person yelling at me?  How miserable are they?  Isn't that kind of sad?

Girls are mean

Boys hurt each other on the outside.  Girls go way deeper.  Being a father of two girls means that I have to somehow help them deal with the cruelty of girls.  Today Mariah found out that two of her classmates invited all of the other eighth graders, including the teachers, to their dance show this weekend, but did not invite Mariah or one other girl.  What's a dad to do?

I try to set the most realistic expectations for my girls.  I have told them since they were little that they don't have to do anything.  They have free will.  If they choose to be mean, that is their choice.  But they should remember that every choice comes with a consequence, either positive or negative.  So I can't tell Mariah that those girls have to be nice to her.  Instead I tell her that they're being mean.  Because, really, what else can you say?  Sometimes girls are just mean to each other.  Well, not just girls of course, but I have daughters so that's where we are right now.

I pointed out that her school is very, very small.  Next year she'll be in high school with 1000 other kids, and will have many more options for friends.  I know that this doesn't help the situation now.  But when kids are being mean to you, and are excluding you, nothing can really help you feel better about it.  It hurts.  It sucks.  I wish I could take the pain for her, but I know that experiencing this pain, and being able to get through it and talk about it with me and with Leah, will help her be a stronger person.

Every thing that doesn't kill you really does make you stronger, but only if you let it.  My sweet little girl is getting a little stronger today.  I'm happy about it, and I hate it.

I've already made up my mind, don't confuse me with the facts

Why do we try so hard to convince people that we're right?  One of my dad's favorite joke lines (or maybe he wasn't joking) was "I've already made up my mind, don't confuse me with the facts."  His point, of course, is that the facts, however interesting, are irrelevant.  People believe what they choose to believe, and see what they want to see.

I think that most of us basically know this to be true, so why do we keep trying to get others to see our point of view?  In short, our ego is a very fragile thing, and it constantly is striving to be assured that its awesome.  But here's the nasty trick; the more you feed the ego, the more it needs to be fed.  So we let our ego make decisions for us, like trying to get you to see things from my point of view.  My ego tells me that if I can convince you, I am somehow more valid in my existence.

Well, I would prefer that my ego just mind its own business and let me live my own life.  Validating yourself by the feedback you get from others is a sure way to feel insecure.  I am good person.  I make good choices.  I treat other people well.  If I believe that these statements are true, deep in my heart, then why does it matter whether someone else agrees with them or not?

The sooner we can each feel secure in ourselves, and not need every person we bump into to know how awesome we are, the sooner we can get to work on actually being awesome, and really enjoying it!

Happily Ever After

Has Happily Ever After ruined us for real relationships?  I was driving Mariah home from swim practice tonight and she filled me in on what she's been learning in Film Critique.  Specifically, the foreign films they watched didn't have happy endings, but the Hollywood films did.

I talked to her about how we are brainwashed by movies, starting with Disney and their Princesses up to every Romantic Comedy made today, end just as the couple gets together.  Cue the sunset, start the music, roll the credits, everything is perfectly wonderful forever and ever.  Except that by glossing over all of the actual work that goes into having a successful relationship, we set unrealistic for ourselves in our relationships.

I'm not proposing that Hollywood turn all dark and brooding and make depressing films of couples fighting, but this means that it opens up an area for me to help my kids.  I feel that one of my jobs as a dad is to help my girls be ready to have healthy relationships, and this means preparing them for the good and the bad.  Let's face it, having a good relationship, whether its dating or marriage, requires a lot; communication, compromise, and work from both people.  But for some reason it seems like no one tells us this, so when our relationships get serious and start getting difficult, they end up falling apart.

What's to be done?  Set realistic expectations.  Realize that relationships are hard work.  Be ready to put in the work, and make sure the partner you pick is willing to do the work too.  And feel free to enjoy the romantic comedies, because they're still awesome.