Nobody's perfect

Nobody's perfect, not even dads.  Since today is Father's Day, of course it got me thinking about my dad, which got me thinking about relationships with the people in our lives in general.  Every person in our lives brings us something we can learn from.  Some of it is positive, and some of it is negative, but it is all something we can learn from to shape our own selves, and our own lives.

My dad taught me a lot about how to be a man, and he also gave me examples of how I did not want to be. When I think about him now, I think about the good things that he did as much as the bad things.  But here's the catch; I appreciate both of them.  I try to be like him with the good things, and I try to not be like him for the bad things.  Just because someone has flaws doesn't mean they can't teach you.

Think about the people in your life.  Not just your family, but friends, teachers, co-workers.  What can you learn from each of them?  Think about someone you don't like, or someone who makes you feel bad.  Doesn't that make you think about how you can be a better person, so that you don't make other people feel bad?

Most people go through life making choices without really thinking about what they're choosing and why they're choosing it.  If you choose to live your life on purpose, you can choose to copy the negative behaviors around you, or the positive ones.  It's your choice.  What will you choose?

Get better friends

Do the people in your life raise you up, or bring you down?  Sometimes we end up spending time with people because we're in the same classes, or work together, or live by each other.  But not all friendships are actually good for you.

What kind of person do you want to be?  What kind of choices do you want to make in your life?  Once you know the answers to these questions, the next step is to surround yourself with people who have your same set of values.

We are so strongly affected by the people that we talk with every day.  It can be much easier to be around people with lower moral standards than yours.  People who make bad choices in their lives make excuses, and rationalize their behavior.  They'll do the same thing for you.  They'll tell you why it was okay that you did something that you know you shouldn't have done.  And then you will choose to believe their words, and continue to make bad choices.

The people you choose to surround yourself with should make you want to be a better person.  They should help you reach new heights in your life.  They shouldn't be afraid to tell you if you're making bad choices.  They wouldn't do this to criticize you, but out of concern for your well-being.

Think about the people in your life.  Do they make you want to be a better person?  If they don't, think about replacing them.  Every day of your life gives you another chance to correct any mistakes you've made in the past.  Each day is a new day, where you get to choose what kind of life you're going to live, and what kind of person you're going to be.

What will your choice be?  And who will you choose to have with you?

Relationships end

You know you're not going to marry every person you date, so why do you think that every friendship in your life will last forever?  Movies and tv shows don't help us; every time friends have a fight they work it out by the end.  Parents don't help when they ask "why aren't you friends with so-and-so any more?  Should I call their mom?"

Here's the thing that no one tells us.  Every single relationship you have in your life will change, and most relationships will end. This is not a bad thing; it's just the way relationships work.  You change as you get older, and so do the people around you.  So it makes sense that you will outgrow each other, or move in different directions.  There isn't any reason to end things on bad terms, since you may end up growing back together later.

Think about your parents and people their age.  How many of them have friends that they've had since childhood?  Even if they do still have some of those friends, I can guarantee you the relationship has changed over the years.

Change of any kind is hard.  It's stressful.  And relationships, by their nature, are emotional.  So it makes sense that the end of any relationship is difficult to go through.  Try to remember this as you lose friends, or as friends lose interest in being close to you.  It will be hard, and that's okay.  But keep in mind that it's normal.  It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you, or with the person you're no longer friends with.  It's just what happens.

Keep making good choices, and being a good person.  Treat people around you kindly.  This way, when your friendships end you can have a clear conscience.  And you'll know that there's another friend out there waiting for you to find each other.

There's not enough time

There aren't enough hours in the day to do everything.  So how do you prioritize?  How do you decide what really matters, and what just seems important right now?  We have jobs, relationships, kids, extended family, exercise, and more that we have to try to figure out how to fit into our lives.

As you grow up, most of the things you do are assigned for you.  You may choose to join a team, but the practices and games are all scheduled, and you show up when you have to.  As you get older, you have to make more choices about how to allocate the time in your life.  But typically no one ever shows you how to do this.

First, think about what it really important to you, and why.  Really think about the "why" part.  Is it really important to you, or is that baggage from your parents or from a previous relationship?  What truly matters to you?  Imagine yourself 30 years from now, looking back at your life.  Did you choose the things that mattered, or did you choose the things that seemed important at the time, but didn't have a lasting impact?

For me, family time and relationship time are at the top of my list.  Those are far more important to me than money.  I would not choose to work more hours, even for vastly more money, because those hours would take away from my family time and relationship time.  Those are the lasting memories that I want to create for myself and the people I love.  I'm not saying I couldn't find a use for more money, but the trade-off isn't worth it for me.  I quit a good-paying job to start my business, in large part because I wanted to make sure that I didn't miss my girls growing up.

Once you've evaluated what is important to you, now look at how you spend the hours in your day.  Does the allocation of your time match what you value?  If you work more than 40 or 50 hours a week, is that what you want?  Why?  If long work hours take away from family and relationship time, think about a change.  Would it be worth it to make less money, but have more family time, or more walking the dog time?  Would you be willing to move into a smaller house, and drive a less expensive car?  Again, picture yourself looking back in 30 years.  Are you proud of your choices?

If spending time with the people you care about, or getting in shape, are priorities, but you feel like there isn't time, look closely at how you spend your time when you're not at work.  Do you watch TV?  How many hours a day?  Do you waste hours on the internet?  Could this time be re-allocated?  I unplugged my TV 15 years ago, and my life is better for it.

It's so easy to get into habits of how you spend your time, then feel locked into them.  It's also easy to "golden handcuff" yourself, where you work harder and harder to maintain your lifestyle, at the expense of your life.  What good is a big home if you're too tired to enjoy it?

It may not feel like it, but you really are in control of your life.  Or, at least, you could be.  Choose the life you want, then live it.  Make some hard choices if you need to.  Think about the legacy you want to leave with the people you love.  Are you working towards that?  Are you willing to?

I overdid it

We all do it sometimes.  We bite off more than we can chew.  I did it, and now I'm making the adjustments to get my life back to a manageable level.  So it got me thinking, how do you know when you go from "enough" to "too much?"  How do you decide not only when it's time to cut back, but also what you need to cut back?

I overextended myself this year.  I was extremely ambitious when I started the year.  I was taking guitar classes twice a week.  I decided to volunteer one day a week at the food bank.  I started this blog.  I signed up for my first triathlon.  And, of course, I still had a company to run.

I thought I was keeping it together pretty well.  I was wrong.  One of the great things about having a healthy relationship is that your partner can constructively tell you when you're doing something wrong.  Leah pointed out to me that I had not been affectionate with her, and that I had not really paid much attention to her for the past couple months.  In looking back, I realized that she was right.  But while I was in the middle of it, I was so focused on everything that I was doing, I didn't realize the affect it was having on her.  I can only assume that it had the same affect on the girls.

I decided to take a hiatus from guitar class.  I took a break for a couple weeks from the blog, and I think that I'll scale back from six posts a week to three.  The hard part is lowering my mental intensity level surrounding the triathlon.  I still need to train, but I need to find a place mentally where I can remain at the same level of commitment, but not stress out about it.

Everything that I was doing was positive, healthy stuff.  But all of it put together turned into something negative, and mentally unhealthy.  I think that is where the lesson lies.  Even if everything you're doing is positive, doing too much of it can become something negative.

I will be more careful when I add to my schedule.  It makes more sense to only add one new thing at a time, then adjust your life to that before adding anything else.  I learned my lesson, I think.

It's broken

Sometimes you can damage a relationship so badly that it can't be fixed.  I've written before about how anger and communication don't go together, and especially anger and writing or emailing.  But betrayals of trust can be just as damaging.

We all learned growing up that if you apologize for what you did wrong, the other person is supposed to say that it's okay, and forgive you for it.  As children, this is true.  Of course, as children, things that require an apology usually involve an infraction involving sharing, or maybe an accidental collision.

As we get older, and relationships get more complicated, there are more and more ways that you can hurt someone.  And as these increase, so do the chances that you can hurt someone so badly that you cannot apologize it away.  Even if you feel that what you did should be forgiven, it may not be.  Or, the other person may forgive you, and you move forward with your relationship, but the relationship will never be what it was before.

Trust is a powerful thing.  It can take years to build it up, and only seconds to destroy it.  Don't ever forget this.  If you betray someone's trust, your relationship with them may never be the same.  Even if you do it thinking that you're doing the right thing, or thinking that you're helping somehow, a betrayal of trust can never be undone.

Don't type angry

Have you ever tried to un-send an email?  You haven't, because there's no such thing.  Once you click "send" it's gone and there is no getting it back.  This is the reason for the rule; don't type angry.

For that matter, speaking when angry doesn't work out all that well either.  You say things that are coming from your anger, not from the feelings where you normally live.  And although your words won't be in writing like an email, they can still cause damage that you can't take back.

The bottom line this; is anger and communication do not go together.  The point of communication between us is to improve our lives; to help each other; to solve problems.  None of these things can be accomplished if we are angry.  When someone is speaking to you in an angry way, can you really hear what they are saying?  You can't hear them, because all you can hear is their anger.  We know this about others, but we forget about it when it comes to ourselves.

The next time you find yourself mad about something, try to not speak about it.  And absolutely don't email about it.  Let it simmer, and wait until your emotions have subsided.  You'll be able to think about it in a more rational way, and you won't risk saying something that you'll have to apologize for later.

It's not personal

Someone was mean to you.  Someone did something selfish that was hard for you.  You feel like it has something to do with you.  It doesn't.  Not only is it not personal, it actually has nothing to do with you.

It's easy to feel like the actions of other people has something to do with us, especially when their actions affect us.  The fact is, when people are being mean or selfish, their actions are usually so self-centered that they never think for a moment how their actions are affecting other people.

If someone is having a bad day (or a bad life) they will frequently express their frustrations by being mean others.  We all interact with them.  Maybe it's the cashier at the store, or a co-worker, or it could even be someone you love.  When people are acting out in an unkind way towards you, try to remember that while their  negativity is coming in your direction, it is actually only a symptom of their own unhappiness.

When a person is selfish, they will frequently hurt the people close to them by being insensitive to their feelings.  Again, this has nothing to do with you.  They haven't thought of you because they are selfish, which is about them, not about you.  Selfish people are selfish because of themselves, not because of you.  The next time the selfish person in your life is being totally insensitive to what you need, try to remember that they treat everyone this way because they're selfish.  It has nothing to do with you.  Selfish people can never be truly happy, because if you truly believe that you are the most important person there is, you can never be satisfied.

It's hard to remember this when you're feeling the pain from someone else's actions, but try it.  Remind yourself that it isn't about you.  It isn't personal.  You may even feel some sympathy for a person who is so selfish or hurtful that they are preventing their own happiness.

Is my past worse than yours?

How do you measure pain and suffering?  Is the pain that I've felt worse than the pain that you've felt?  Does it matter?

Mariah had an assignment at school to write a "This I Believe" essay, based on the segment on NPR where people write a short essay about a personal belief, and the life experience that led to that belief.  All 23 kids in her class wrote as essay, and they read them out loud in front of the other students.  There were a lot of tears as the kids related personal stories of hardship and pain.  What an amazing experience for 13 and 14 year-olds to learn what many adults still don't understand; we have all suffered.

Not many weeks ago, Mariah had written something expressing the hardships that she has had in her life because her parents got divorced, and it was clear that she felt that she had suffered more than most kids her age.  Of course, this is normal.  Most people are well into their twenties before they realize that other people have had experiences different from their own.

Think about all of the people you know.  How much do you really know about their lives?  Maybe you've seen them with their parents, but you haven't seen them alone with their parents.  No one knows what really goes on in the lives of other people; with their parents, with their spouse, at their job.  No one would know that my parents were in a cult if I didn't tell them.  It's so easy to feel sorry for ourselves and focus on our own pain and suffering, but we really don't know anything about the pain and suffering of the people all around us.

It's safe to assume that every person you know has had at least one deep and painful experience in their life which they don't talk about.  You don't know what it is, but it affects who they are today.  Just as you have had your own painful experiences which you don't share with people, but they definitely affect you today.

Try to remember when you are interacting with others that you really don't know where this person came from, or how bad their life has been.  You don't know their pain, and they don't know yours.  Would you judge them less harshly if you knew their past?  If so, maybe you should judge them less harshly anyway.  Give it a try.  You may find yourself liking the people around you a little bit more, and judging them a little bit less.

Sometimes love just ain't enough

Cheesy song title?  Yes.  True statement?  Also yes.  Making a relationship work takes so much more than love.  I feel like we don't get any preparation for how hard relationships are.  And when you consider that most of our parents don't have a good marriage to begin with, how are we supposed to know how to make a good relationship happen?

Love is an absolutely necessary part of a healthy relationship, but love alone won't get the job done.  It takes a lot of work, and a lot of communication to have a successful relationship, and you have to both be willing to make the effort, or it will fail.

All relationships have problems.  So what do you do when you have a breakdown in communication, or when you're upset about something?  First, you need to both be willing to talk about it.  Second, you need to both be willing to make an effort to improve it.  If either one of you isn't willing to do both of these things, then the little problems will end up becoming big problems

Romantic movies give us the idea that as long as two people love each other, then everything else will work.  They never show us all of the work, the fights, the miscommunication, the sacrifice and compromise that a good relationship takes.  Don't underestimate the importance of love, but don't lose sight of how much effort it takes.

The point of dating

Dating isn't so much to find your future spouse, it's more to rule out all the people who aren't suitable to be with you.  Especially as a teenager, dating should be used as a tool to find out which qualities in people you need, and which ones are a deal-breaker for you.

Mariah and I were on our way home from the gym today, and she tuned out a little while I was talking, then tuned back in and asked what I was saying.  She does this sometimes, where her mind wanders.  We had a good laugh about it, as we normally do, but then it got me thinking.  At some point she is going to date a boy who thinks this is really annoying, and maybe even gets mad at her for it.  It may even be a boy she really likes. What's to be done?  Move on to the next boy.

If someone doesn't accept you for exactly who you are, then they are not the one for you.  None of us are perfect.  We all have little idiosyncrasies in our personalities.  It's what makes us unique.  When someone is right for you, they accept you for who you are, including your flaws.

She'll be starting high school in the fall, and at some point will start dating.  I have a huge responsibility to help make that process as positive as it can be.  And I think that the right starting point is to look at dating for what it is; a tool to find out who will eventually be right for you.  I know it's hard, but try to think of your own dating process, or your kids', as a prolonged interview process.

If you can look at it this way, it will seem less devastating when it doesn't work out with someone.  Figure out what about that person wasn't right for you, and make an effort to avoid those qualities in the future.  Maybe they were the one who broke it off.  That doesn't change anything.  Something about it wasn't right, so figure out what it was.

The right person is out there for you.  It's a process to find them.  It's unrealistic to think that you'll find them quickly.  As with most things in life that are important, it takes a lot of work to get it right.

I'd rather be disappointed

I'd rather be optimistic and always expect the best from people.  Sure, I'll sometimes be let down, but consider the alternative.  I could be cynical, and then every time something bad happens I would feel justified in my cynicism.

The problem with expecting the worst all the time is that you won't be able to see the good things when they happen.  We have a tendency to see what we expect, regardless of what is actually there.  So if you expect all bad, that's what you'll see.

Sometimes I feel silly when I get let down.  I feel like I should have seen it coming.  But then I also feel like there are more times that I expect good things to happen, and then they do.

This doesn't mean that you should just trust everyone all the time.You have to trust your instincts about people. If you have a bad feeling about someone, then you trust your judgement.  Instincts are very strong, and you should trust yours.  But if you're always expecting bad things, then your judgement is already on hold.

Keep expecting the best.  You'll be wrong sometimes, but you'll be so much happier in the long run.

When to quit

Being a quitter is a bad thing, right?  I would say that getting into the habit of quitting, or quitting as soon as things get hard, would be a bad thing.  But sometimes, for your own mental health, you have to know when to throw in the towel.

The fact is, some people are never going to be satisfied.  No matter how hard you try, the end result will always be the same.  When you feel that you are in this situation, ask yourself this: have I really tried my hardest?  Have I put myself in the other person's shoes, and not just thought about it from my own perspective?  Is there any more that I could do that would make a difference?  If you can, with a clear conscience, know that you have given your best, and really thought about it from the other person's point of view, and that nothing more is going to satisfy them, then it just might be time to quit.

At some point in our lives, we all end up in relationships of this type.  It may be with a family member, or a boss.  We may have the option to get out of the relationship, or we may not.  But either way, we need to decide what we're going to do.

It can get to the point where it is not healthy for you to keep trying.  If you're really giving it all you have, and it still isn't enough for the other person, then it's time to make a change.  There is no point getting stuck in a situation where you feel worse and worse, and nothing gets better.  That isn't benefiting anyone.

Don't be a quitter.  But know when it is okay, or even better for you, to quit.

Getting what you want from others

People will disappoint you.  They will let you down.  Sometimes you won't be in a position to do anything about it, but what about the times when you can do something?  What do you do?

The easiest thing to do is to just complain.  You could tell the person that they are disappointing you, or annoying you, or that they are bad at what they're doing.  But will that help the situation?  Do you want to make things better, or worse?  As usual, the right choice is the harder one.

Whether teaching school, or raising a toddler, or managing adult employees, it is always better to state what you do want, not what you don't want.  You don't tell a toddler, "don't put the ball in your mouth," you tell them "leave the ball on the table."  This approach doesn't change at any age level.

Last week when Emily had left things all over the house, I politely pointed them out, and I asked her if she would please pick up her things when she moves to a different part of the house.  When one of my employees got complaints about his driving, I asked him nicely to pretend that I was in the van with him at all times.  I could have yelled at either of them, or pointed out that what they were doing was bothering me, but no one likes to have their flaws pointed out, so where would that get me?

If you consistently treat people with respect, they will work to continue to earn your respect.  And being respectful means not pointing out someone's flaws, but rather asking them nicely for an adjustment in their behavior.

What we're talking about here is management.  Have you noticed that most managers you have had in your life have been bad at it?  The simple reason for this is that managing people, including your own kids, is hard.  If it were easy, most people wouldn't be so bad at it.

If you want to get better results from people, start by respectfully asking for what you want, without complaining or criticizing.  You won't get what you want all the time, but it will work better than the alternative. Try it, and I think you'll be happy.

Let the damsel in distress stay there

You can't save somebody.  At least, you can't save them from themselves.  Let's say you meet someone, and you're attracted to them, but they're in a crisis.  Run away.  The problem with someone being in a crisis is that if that is their condition when you meet them, then that is their condition.

Some people live from one crisis to the next.  That is their condition.  Some people are always broke.  That is their condition.  Do you ever wonder how someone could win the lottery, then be broke a few years later?  You know that one friend or co-worker you have who is always, always, broke?  That is the same person.  Their condition is being broke, and nothing, not even winning the lottery, will change that.  

We all know people who seem to just jump from one crisis to the next.  We may look at their life and think, how can they be that messed up?  It is their condition, and there is nothing you can do to change it.

If you met me while I was in some sort of personal crisis, you would never know it.  I would be working through it, solving it, and moving on with my life.  The crisis would not be such a defining part of my personality that I would tell you about it early in our relationship.  Because being in a crisis is not my condition.

This rule does not apply only to romantic relationships.  It is also true for hiring employees, picking roommates, and evaluating friendships.  I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't have any sort of a relationship with someone in crisis, but if you're going to enter into a relationship, it helps to set the correct expectations.  People typically do not change.  They remain exactly who they are, and it is your choice whether you want to allow them to be part of your life, and not to expect them to ever be any different than exactly who they are today.

Greatness

You can't half-ass greatness.  Do you feel like you have greatness in your future?  A lot of us feel like we are above average, and we're kind of waiting to see where the greatness will take place.  Whatever form it takes, greatness is out there waiting for you.

But there is something that you can't overlook.  Its not possible to be great at only one thing in your life.  In order to be great at one thing, greatness needs to be the focus of every aspect of your life.  What I mean is this:  if you're working as a server, or housekeeper to make ends meet while you pursue some other passion, then you should be the best damn server or housekeeper you can be.

Aim for greatness at your day job.  Aim for greatness at the gym.  Aim for greatness in your friendships and your relationships.  Greatness isn't a switch you can flip on and off.  Its something that you choose to be, with your entire being.  Try so hard that you take pride in what you do every day.  Every night you should be able to look back at your day and know that you did your best.  You should feel proud of the effort that you made.

As in all aspects of life, there are no shortcuts towards happiness.  When it comes time to make a decision, nine times out of ten, the hard choice is the right one.  To achieve your greatness, you're going to have to make hard choices.  You're going to have to be uncomfortable.  You're going to have to do hard things when you'd rather do easy things.

If you make it your goal to be the best at everything you do, and take pride in every success you have, even the little ones, then you'll find the greatness you're looking for.

Dudes can't take hints

So my 11 year-old says a boy is being too clingy.  Emily and I were driving home from the gym today and she updated me on her boy situation.  We've been talking about it since its earliest stages as a curiosity about kissing, so its no big deal to bring it up.

In any case, they have not kissed, and she is concerned that he only wants to kiss her so he can tell his friends that he did.  Refer to Dad's rule number one about boys:  Whatever you do with them, they WILL tell their friends.  I've repeated this rule to the girls since before they were even interested in boys.  Its a universal truth about boys; they always kiss and tell.  They just can't help it.

In addition to some pressure to kiss, apparently he doesn't give her any space.  He's always as close to her as he can be, and she doesn't like it.  My advice was simple: tell him what you want.  I told her that we of the male persuasion are immune to hints, innuendo, and nuance.  Girls go on and on about all the "signals" they sent to a guy and he never got it.  I have a simple explanation for that.  Its a language we don't speak.

I told Emily to tell him exactly what she wants, or doesn't want.  Either he'll do it, and their relationship has the chance to continue, or he won't, and their relationship has no chance of moving forward.  She is going to have so many opportunities to tell guys that they have to do more, or less, or back off.  I figure the sooner she starts learning how to do that the better.  Because guys aren't about to start understanding the hints.

Why are people mean?

"Daddy, why did that man honk and give you the finger?"  "Oh honey, that's because his wife won't have sex with him."  How do you explain to kids why people are mean?  Put simply, people who are happy with their own lives treat the people around them well.

Personally, it helps me to accept others' actions if I can understand why they did what they did.  Understanding where someone else is coming from doesn't make it hurt any less when they are mean to you, but at least it can help to know that it isn't personal.  That person isn't striking out at you because of who you are.  They are striking out at the pain in their own lives.

Is the guy behind you in traffic actually irate at you?  Or is he in a miserable marriage, working for a boss who doesn't appreciate him?  He feels like he can't yell at his wife, because he has to live with her, and he can't yell at his boss, because he'll get fired.  But the other driver on the road is someone he can yell at.

Think about it the next time you find yourself angry at someone.  Are you actually mad at what that person just did?  Is your level of anger appropriate for the situation?  Or are you channeling anger from somewhere else?  Now take that a step further.  When you've been repeatedly put down, or looked over, or hurt by someone, doesn't it give you just a moment of power to do the same thing to someone else?

The problem is, it only lasts for a moment, because you can't use someone else's pain to get your pleasure.  You can find your own true happiness by treating other people well, and by being true to yourself.

I know how much it hurts when someone is mean to you.  We've all had it happen to us, and it hurts every time.    But the next time it happens, try to think about what that person is really doing.  I'm happy with my life, and I spend my days treating people well.  What does it say about the person yelling at me?  How miserable are they?  Isn't that kind of sad?

Happily Ever After

Has Happily Ever After ruined us for real relationships?  I was driving Mariah home from swim practice tonight and she filled me in on what she's been learning in Film Critique.  Specifically, the foreign films they watched didn't have happy endings, but the Hollywood films did.

I talked to her about how we are brainwashed by movies, starting with Disney and their Princesses up to every Romantic Comedy made today, end just as the couple gets together.  Cue the sunset, start the music, roll the credits, everything is perfectly wonderful forever and ever.  Except that by glossing over all of the actual work that goes into having a successful relationship, we set unrealistic for ourselves in our relationships.

I'm not proposing that Hollywood turn all dark and brooding and make depressing films of couples fighting, but this means that it opens up an area for me to help my kids.  I feel that one of my jobs as a dad is to help my girls be ready to have healthy relationships, and this means preparing them for the good and the bad.  Let's face it, having a good relationship, whether its dating or marriage, requires a lot; communication, compromise, and work from both people.  But for some reason it seems like no one tells us this, so when our relationships get serious and start getting difficult, they end up falling apart.

What's to be done?  Set realistic expectations.  Realize that relationships are hard work.  Be ready to put in the work, and make sure the partner you pick is willing to do the work too.  And feel free to enjoy the romantic comedies, because they're still awesome.