It's broken

Sometimes you can damage a relationship so badly that it can't be fixed.  I've written before about how anger and communication don't go together, and especially anger and writing or emailing.  But betrayals of trust can be just as damaging.

We all learned growing up that if you apologize for what you did wrong, the other person is supposed to say that it's okay, and forgive you for it.  As children, this is true.  Of course, as children, things that require an apology usually involve an infraction involving sharing, or maybe an accidental collision.

As we get older, and relationships get more complicated, there are more and more ways that you can hurt someone.  And as these increase, so do the chances that you can hurt someone so badly that you cannot apologize it away.  Even if you feel that what you did should be forgiven, it may not be.  Or, the other person may forgive you, and you move forward with your relationship, but the relationship will never be what it was before.

Trust is a powerful thing.  It can take years to build it up, and only seconds to destroy it.  Don't ever forget this.  If you betray someone's trust, your relationship with them may never be the same.  Even if you do it thinking that you're doing the right thing, or thinking that you're helping somehow, a betrayal of trust can never be undone.

Are you fat?

Who says you're fat?  When you look in the mirror, do you see your body the way it really looks, or the way that society and the popular media have trained you to see it?

I was talking with the girls tonight about a topic we've covered many times; body image.  From the time that they were too little to understand what I was talking about, I started showing them the cover pictures on magazines at the store.  I would explain to them that when you see those images of extremely skinny women, day after day, year after year, the idea slowly seeps into your brain that that is what a woman should look like.

As they got older, I would show them the magazine covers and ask them to think about every woman they have ever met.  Do they know anyone with that body?  Have they ever even seen a woman with a body like that?  How many women have you seen in your life who look like that?  We've just recently started to talk about how the images are airbrushed.

These images are not realistic portrayals of what a woman looks like.  But the problem gets worse.  Not only do women see these images and start to think that they should look like a cover model, but men see them too.  Boys grow up seeing these pictures, and thinking that a woman should look like that.  Then they call girls fat if they have a normal, healthy body, and the girl believes it because she's been looking at the same images.

There is no doubt that we have an epidemic of obesity in this country, and I am by no means suggesting that you should allow your body to be unhealthy.  But healthy does not mean having ribs that show through your shirt.  Healthy women have some curves on them.  You know if you're healthy or not.  You know if you're in shape or not.  You know if you exercise, if you watch what you eat, if you drink enough water and get enough sleep.  These are the things that make a healthy body.

The next time you look in the mirror, and you think there's a fat girl looking back at you, look again.  What do you really see?  Is that a healthy female body?  Decide for yourself.  Make the choice to not automatically believe the images you've been seeing your whole life.  You'll feel better about yourself if you do.

Don't type angry

Have you ever tried to un-send an email?  You haven't, because there's no such thing.  Once you click "send" it's gone and there is no getting it back.  This is the reason for the rule; don't type angry.

For that matter, speaking when angry doesn't work out all that well either.  You say things that are coming from your anger, not from the feelings where you normally live.  And although your words won't be in writing like an email, they can still cause damage that you can't take back.

The bottom line this; is anger and communication do not go together.  The point of communication between us is to improve our lives; to help each other; to solve problems.  None of these things can be accomplished if we are angry.  When someone is speaking to you in an angry way, can you really hear what they are saying?  You can't hear them, because all you can hear is their anger.  We know this about others, but we forget about it when it comes to ourselves.

The next time you find yourself mad about something, try to not speak about it.  And absolutely don't email about it.  Let it simmer, and wait until your emotions have subsided.  You'll be able to think about it in a more rational way, and you won't risk saying something that you'll have to apologize for later.

It's not personal

Someone was mean to you.  Someone did something selfish that was hard for you.  You feel like it has something to do with you.  It doesn't.  Not only is it not personal, it actually has nothing to do with you.

It's easy to feel like the actions of other people has something to do with us, especially when their actions affect us.  The fact is, when people are being mean or selfish, their actions are usually so self-centered that they never think for a moment how their actions are affecting other people.

If someone is having a bad day (or a bad life) they will frequently express their frustrations by being mean others.  We all interact with them.  Maybe it's the cashier at the store, or a co-worker, or it could even be someone you love.  When people are acting out in an unkind way towards you, try to remember that while their  negativity is coming in your direction, it is actually only a symptom of their own unhappiness.

When a person is selfish, they will frequently hurt the people close to them by being insensitive to their feelings.  Again, this has nothing to do with you.  They haven't thought of you because they are selfish, which is about them, not about you.  Selfish people are selfish because of themselves, not because of you.  The next time the selfish person in your life is being totally insensitive to what you need, try to remember that they treat everyone this way because they're selfish.  It has nothing to do with you.  Selfish people can never be truly happy, because if you truly believe that you are the most important person there is, you can never be satisfied.

It's hard to remember this when you're feeling the pain from someone else's actions, but try it.  Remind yourself that it isn't about you.  It isn't personal.  You may even feel some sympathy for a person who is so selfish or hurtful that they are preventing their own happiness.

It could be worse

No matter how bad things are, they can always get worse.  I like to keep this perspective in mind when I'm thinking about whatever bad thing may be going on in my life.  Last week I heard an interview with the golfer who choked and threw away his lead at the Masters last year.  He said, "if that was the worst day of my life, I'm better off than most people."  What a great perspective.

It's easy to get bogged down in looking at the things that aren't going your way.  If you're not careful, you can start to think things are really bad.  In reality, things are rarely very bad.  There are always things that you can choose to be thankful for.

The last thing you want to do is think that things can't get any worse.  I feel like this is just inviting disaster.  Go ahead and imagine how things could get worse, then be thankful that none of those things have happened.  And if some of those things do happen, then be thankful that all of them didn't happen.

If you're willing to choose to focus on the good things going on, even when there are bad things going on, you'll find that the bad things don't seem quite so bad.

You're right, but you're still wrong

Sometimes if you're right, you're still wrong.  How badly do you feel the need to defend yourself?  Do you find yourself trying to prove you're right even when it doesn't really matter?  Sometimes proving that you're right can actually make the situation worse, not better.

I had a boss a number of years ago who loved to try to prove himself right all the time, even when he was wrong.  I wouldn't argue with him because he was the boss, and even if I convinced him that I was right, he would have made me pay for it in the long run.  So I kept my mouth shut.

I started thinking a lot about why it was so important for him to prove himself right.  He owned the company.  His name was on the building.  He made over a million dollars a year.  What was he trying to prove?  I finally realized that in spite of his position and income, he was extremely insecure.  He was trying to compensate for his own insecurity by proving himself right all the time.

The next time you find yourself trying to prove that you're right about something that doesn't really matter, think about why you're doing it.  What are you trying to prove?  Can it be enough to just know that you're right, even if the people around you don't?

If it doesn't matter, try to let it go.  See if you can feel better about yourself regardless of what other people think.

Your plan won't work

Your plan looks great, and I'm really pulling for you, but it's not going to work out that way.  One thing that I have definitely learned about life is that your plans almost never work out the way you planned them.  Things do work out in the end, but almost never the way you thought they would.

It's important to plan things out sometimes.  You don't need to plan all the time, but sometimes it's necessary.  However, most things in your life are outside of your control, which means that something is going to come along and sidetrack your plan.  What do you do then?  Cry?  Freak out?  You could, but what's the point?

Remind yourself that this is going to work out.  You don't know how it will work out, but it will.  And I believe that it's more likely to work out if you keep believing that it will.

So don't be too hung up on how it works out, as long as it works out.  If you can let go a little, you'll enjoy the process a lot more.

Be specific to succeed

A vague goal will get you nowhere.  Say your goal is to lose weight.  If you've lost a pound, did you succeed?  Maybe your goal is to learn French.  Once you've learned 2 sentences, are you good?

The only way to have a successful goal is to make it specific.  Instead of setting a goal of weight, set a goal of what size pants you want to fit into.  Instead of setting a goal to learn a foreign language, plan a vacation to a country where they speak that language, and have your goal be to not have to speak English.  Rather than setting a goal to learn to play guitar, set a goal to play open mic night at your local guitar shop.

The other way to make a goal much more real is to attach some sort of competition to the end.  Instead of setting a goal of being able to run 6 miles, sign up for a 10K.  Instead of setting a goal to gain 30 pounds of muscle mass, sign up for an amateur bodybuilding competition.  It isn't about winning, it's about having an event set, which you've already paid to enter.  You're much more likely to hold yourself accountable for your training if you know that you have some sort of public event coming up and you don't want to be embarrassed.  

Last year I signed up for a 5K.  Even when I really didn't feel like running, I knew I needed to or I would regret it on race day.  When that was done, I signed up for a 10K, because I knew that I wouldn't keep running if I didn't have a specific target.  This year, with a triathlon on my calendar, there's no way I can skip a workout, and I'm in the best shape I've been in since I was 18.  I can't imagine any way that I could motivate myself to do 8 workouts in 6 days without having that race on a specific day in the near future.

Holding yourself accountable is hard.  Achieving goals is hard.  So give yourself whatever advantages you can right from the start.  Make your goals specific and attainable, then set some end to it that will make it harder for you to quit.  

And don't forget, the whole time you're working towards your goal, keep imagining how great you're going to feel when you achieve it.  You're capable of so much.  Go out there and find out for yourself what you can accomplish.

Is my past worse than yours?

How do you measure pain and suffering?  Is the pain that I've felt worse than the pain that you've felt?  Does it matter?

Mariah had an assignment at school to write a "This I Believe" essay, based on the segment on NPR where people write a short essay about a personal belief, and the life experience that led to that belief.  All 23 kids in her class wrote as essay, and they read them out loud in front of the other students.  There were a lot of tears as the kids related personal stories of hardship and pain.  What an amazing experience for 13 and 14 year-olds to learn what many adults still don't understand; we have all suffered.

Not many weeks ago, Mariah had written something expressing the hardships that she has had in her life because her parents got divorced, and it was clear that she felt that she had suffered more than most kids her age.  Of course, this is normal.  Most people are well into their twenties before they realize that other people have had experiences different from their own.

Think about all of the people you know.  How much do you really know about their lives?  Maybe you've seen them with their parents, but you haven't seen them alone with their parents.  No one knows what really goes on in the lives of other people; with their parents, with their spouse, at their job.  No one would know that my parents were in a cult if I didn't tell them.  It's so easy to feel sorry for ourselves and focus on our own pain and suffering, but we really don't know anything about the pain and suffering of the people all around us.

It's safe to assume that every person you know has had at least one deep and painful experience in their life which they don't talk about.  You don't know what it is, but it affects who they are today.  Just as you have had your own painful experiences which you don't share with people, but they definitely affect you today.

Try to remember when you are interacting with others that you really don't know where this person came from, or how bad their life has been.  You don't know their pain, and they don't know yours.  Would you judge them less harshly if you knew their past?  If so, maybe you should judge them less harshly anyway.  Give it a try.  You may find yourself liking the people around you a little bit more, and judging them a little bit less.

The past is an anchor

How often do you drive along in your car, mile after mile, looking only in the rear view mirror?  You don't do that because it means you're not paying attention to what's happening in front of you, and you'll crash.  So why does it seem okay to go along day after day, looking back at your life?  Doesn't it seem like you should be paying attention to what is happening in front of you?  Don't crash your life.

Do you know what you have in life?  You have this moment right now.  You have this day you're living.  The past is how you got to this point, but it no longer has any control over you.  Let it go and live your life today.  I'm not suggesting that you should forget life lessons, or forget mistakes you've made.  Rather, choose to learn the lessons, use them to make today a better day, and then let them go.

Let me tell you about a personal experience.  A few years ago, after my divorce, I was looking back at a lot of my life, in hopes that it would help me put the pieces back together.  Specifically, I wondered what affect it had had on me as an adult that my parents were in a cult the whole time I was growing up.  I wanted to know how that experience had changed my life.  What parts of me came from growing up in a cult, and what parts were just me?

I went to Denver to a conference for cult survivors, and met with adults like myself who had grown up in cults.  I talked with some people about getting into counseling.  Then when I came home, I realized something.  That path that I took, even though it wasn't a path that I had chosen, led me to who I am today.  There is no way to go back and change any of it.  None of it will ever be different than it was.  It's impossible to separate out any parts of my past.  I am the sum of those experiences.  

I chose to let it go.  I chose to accept that all of the experiences in my life, both good and bad, are just parts of me today.  And I work every day to be a good person today.  I like who I am today, which means that the path that got me here must have been okay.

Look back, see what happened, then make the choice to live this life today.  Don't let your past crash your present.

Sometimes love just ain't enough

Cheesy song title?  Yes.  True statement?  Also yes.  Making a relationship work takes so much more than love.  I feel like we don't get any preparation for how hard relationships are.  And when you consider that most of our parents don't have a good marriage to begin with, how are we supposed to know how to make a good relationship happen?

Love is an absolutely necessary part of a healthy relationship, but love alone won't get the job done.  It takes a lot of work, and a lot of communication to have a successful relationship, and you have to both be willing to make the effort, or it will fail.

All relationships have problems.  So what do you do when you have a breakdown in communication, or when you're upset about something?  First, you need to both be willing to talk about it.  Second, you need to both be willing to make an effort to improve it.  If either one of you isn't willing to do both of these things, then the little problems will end up becoming big problems

Romantic movies give us the idea that as long as two people love each other, then everything else will work.  They never show us all of the work, the fights, the miscommunication, the sacrifice and compromise that a good relationship takes.  Don't underestimate the importance of love, but don't lose sight of how much effort it takes.

The point of dating

Dating isn't so much to find your future spouse, it's more to rule out all the people who aren't suitable to be with you.  Especially as a teenager, dating should be used as a tool to find out which qualities in people you need, and which ones are a deal-breaker for you.

Mariah and I were on our way home from the gym today, and she tuned out a little while I was talking, then tuned back in and asked what I was saying.  She does this sometimes, where her mind wanders.  We had a good laugh about it, as we normally do, but then it got me thinking.  At some point she is going to date a boy who thinks this is really annoying, and maybe even gets mad at her for it.  It may even be a boy she really likes. What's to be done?  Move on to the next boy.

If someone doesn't accept you for exactly who you are, then they are not the one for you.  None of us are perfect.  We all have little idiosyncrasies in our personalities.  It's what makes us unique.  When someone is right for you, they accept you for who you are, including your flaws.

She'll be starting high school in the fall, and at some point will start dating.  I have a huge responsibility to help make that process as positive as it can be.  And I think that the right starting point is to look at dating for what it is; a tool to find out who will eventually be right for you.  I know it's hard, but try to think of your own dating process, or your kids', as a prolonged interview process.

If you can look at it this way, it will seem less devastating when it doesn't work out with someone.  Figure out what about that person wasn't right for you, and make an effort to avoid those qualities in the future.  Maybe they were the one who broke it off.  That doesn't change anything.  Something about it wasn't right, so figure out what it was.

The right person is out there for you.  It's a process to find them.  It's unrealistic to think that you'll find them quickly.  As with most things in life that are important, it takes a lot of work to get it right.

I'd rather be disappointed

I'd rather be optimistic and always expect the best from people.  Sure, I'll sometimes be let down, but consider the alternative.  I could be cynical, and then every time something bad happens I would feel justified in my cynicism.

The problem with expecting the worst all the time is that you won't be able to see the good things when they happen.  We have a tendency to see what we expect, regardless of what is actually there.  So if you expect all bad, that's what you'll see.

Sometimes I feel silly when I get let down.  I feel like I should have seen it coming.  But then I also feel like there are more times that I expect good things to happen, and then they do.

This doesn't mean that you should just trust everyone all the time.You have to trust your instincts about people. If you have a bad feeling about someone, then you trust your judgement.  Instincts are very strong, and you should trust yours.  But if you're always expecting bad things, then your judgement is already on hold.

Keep expecting the best.  You'll be wrong sometimes, but you'll be so much happier in the long run.

Be present

All you have is right now; this moment.  There is nothing else.  You have done things in the past that led you to right now.  Things will happen to you in the future; some good and some bad.  But the only thing that have in life is this moment.  What are you doing with it?

It's so easy to spend time regretting what happened in the past, or worrying about what might happen in the future.  But if you spend all of your time doing that, you end up missing out on your life as it's happening.

This is not to say that you should pretend that the past never happened, or that you should fail to plan for the future, but that you should not put either of those things at a higher priority level than the present.  Acknowledge  the mistakes that you made in the past, and choose to learn from them to help yourself make better decisions now.  Recognize the good choices you made in the past, and make an effort to continue to make them.  Think about how you want your future to look, and make decisions now that will help lead you to that future.

Most importantly, never forget that your life is happening right now.  It is so easy to get hung up on trivial details, or to worry about things that we can't control.  Choose to be present for your own life; truly present in body, mind and spirit, not in body only.  Choose to live every now to the fullest.  Make every now the best now that it can be.

Make the choice to live your life on purpose by making every moment of your life the best that it can be.