Why we criticize

You're not perfect, you know.  I know it may come as a shock, but you have flaws.  Of course, we all know that we have flaws, but we don't like to acknowledge it.  If we acknowledge that we are doing something wrong, then we have to either choose to fix it, or choose to leave it alone and pretend we don't know its there.

Typically what we do instead is to find the same flaw in another person, and criticize them for it.  Subconsciously, we are aware of the things we do that are less than ideal.  But consciously,  we don't really want to fix it.  Identifying flaws in ourselves and fixing them is hard work.  It can take a long time and a lot of effort to adjust our behavior, and most of us don't want to do that much work.

But when we criticize others, we're really just trying to take the spotlight off ourselves and put it on someone else.  The more critical a person is of others, the more insecure they are about their own self.

Think about it the next time you find yourself being critical of another person.  Does their behavior really matter?  Why exactly is it bothering you?  Look inside yourself and see if you see your own flaws in that person, and it bothers you.

It takes a lot of work to do this, which pretty much shows that its the right thing to do.  But if you are willing to put in the time, and to take personal responsibility for your own behavior, you'll find that you enjoy your life a lot more.  Personally, I think that being happier is worth the effort.

Get a coach

Do you think you're better than Tiger Woods?  Why do we stop getting coaching in our lives?  It could be because we think that once we're good at something, we're above coaching.  Or maybe our fragile ego feels that pointing out an area for improvement is the same as saying that we have failed by not being perfect.

Professional athletes are the absolute best in the world at what they do.  They are the best by so great a margin that we mere mortals cannot hope to ever compete at that level.  And yet, every single one of them has a coach.  Every one of them has someone to point out how they can improve.

Today I drove a couple hours to take a swim clinic for triathletes.  My first triathlon is less than 3 months away, and my swim is by far my weakest event, so I need some help.  Even though I know this, as I finished a lap and came up for the coach to give me feedback, I kind of didn't want to hear what he had to say.  Then I gave myself an internal slap (Michael Phelps has a coach, so shut your pie-hole, stupid ego), reminded myself of why I was there, and listened.

None of us is the best at what we do.  We all have room to improve.  An yet, few of us actively seek feedback from anyone to help us improve.  Imagine how much better we could be.  Imagine how much better you would feel about yourself after improving your job performance, or your golf swing, or your ability to discipline your kids.

Get a mentor.  Get a coach.  Join a discussion forum.  All of the best things in life require being uncomfortable for awhile.  Progress requires sacrifice.  So suck it up, shut down your ego, and let someone tell you how you can improve yourself.

I've already made up my mind, don't confuse me with the facts

Why do we try so hard to convince people that we're right?  One of my dad's favorite joke lines (or maybe he wasn't joking) was "I've already made up my mind, don't confuse me with the facts."  His point, of course, is that the facts, however interesting, are irrelevant.  People believe what they choose to believe, and see what they want to see.

I think that most of us basically know this to be true, so why do we keep trying to get others to see our point of view?  In short, our ego is a very fragile thing, and it constantly is striving to be assured that its awesome.  But here's the nasty trick; the more you feed the ego, the more it needs to be fed.  So we let our ego make decisions for us, like trying to get you to see things from my point of view.  My ego tells me that if I can convince you, I am somehow more valid in my existence.

Well, I would prefer that my ego just mind its own business and let me live my own life.  Validating yourself by the feedback you get from others is a sure way to feel insecure.  I am good person.  I make good choices.  I treat other people well.  If I believe that these statements are true, deep in my heart, then why does it matter whether someone else agrees with them or not?

The sooner we can each feel secure in ourselves, and not need every person we bump into to know how awesome we are, the sooner we can get to work on actually being awesome, and really enjoying it!