It's all how you look at it

My daughter wrote me a Father's Day card that said "You taught me to look at life in a different way and when I did I got happier."  First, I think this is about the highest compliment I could get from one of my kids, and second, she is exactly right about the secret to happiness.

Notice that she didn't say that she got happier because I got a better-paying job, or moved into a nicer house, or took a great vacation.  These are all things that so many of us spend our lives chasing, believing that they will make us happier.  But the only thing that will actually make you happier is to change the way you look at life.

Life is hard.  Sometimes it hurts.  That's just the way it is, and wishing that it was different isn't doing you any favors.  Take action to change the things you can in life, then take the equally important action of changing the way you look at life.  What is your reaction when bad things happen?  Do you feel sorry for yourself, choose to be stronger because of it?  What is your reaction when you make a mistake?  Do you beat yourself up over it, or choose to learn from it?

There is only one thing that makes the difference between you being happy and you not being happy.  That one thing is you.  Try looking at things that happen to you, even bad or painful things, as opportunities to grow, to be a better person.  I think you'll notice that it makes everything seem better, and you'll feel happier.

It's okay to be scared

We're all scared.  Things frighten us every day.  Being afraid isn't bad, but allowing the fear to control your actions and make your choices for you is.  If your goal is to live your life on purpose, then giving into your fear is allowing life to happen to you, rather than you charting your own course.

Fear is a powerful emotion.  It can affect our actions without our realizing that it is happening.  But usually, we know that we're afraid, and we have a choice.  Will I face my fear, and try to get what I want, or will I make some kind of excuse, or in some other way choose to let the fear win.

I'm training for a triathlon right now, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm scared.  What if I fail?  What if I can't finish?  What will I do if I'm dead last; still plodding through my 10K and everyone else is done?  Would I have the mental strength to keep going?  I know that these fears are the reason that I never took the leap from the long-distance cycling that I did as a teenager into bicycle racing.

Every day, when I train for my race, I acknowledge my fears.  I recognize them, and I choose to try anyway.  There is a real possibility that I might fail; that I might twist and ankle or crash my bike and be unable to finish.  But should that stop me from trying?

It is hard to face your fear.  It is hard to admit that you're afraid; to admit that if you try, you may fail.  But, once again, the hard choice is the right one.

You could live your whole life without facing your fears, but what will you accomplish?  I would rather know that I tried, even if I fail.  The strength that you will gain from trying, whether you succeed or fail, will make you a stronger person.  And imagine how great it will be when you actually succeed.  Imagine for a moment the personal pride that you will feel when you know that you faced a fear, worked through it, and accomplished something great.  Isn't that worth the effort?

Own it!

Its your fault.  Don't bother blaming someone else, because the fault is yours.  One of my favorite sayings is "own it."  What I mean by this is that you should stop blaming the people around you for whatever is going wrong in your life.  If you screwed it up, own it.  If you reacted badly when someone else screwed it up, own it.  If you're harboring a grudge, or a lingering emotional wound from something that someone did to you, this is on you, not on them.  Own it!

I read an interesting article in the New York Times Magazine a couple weeks ago.  Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers was asked if his dad had any responsibility for his struggles with drug addiction.  His dad blew pot smoke in his face when he was 4, and was there when he did coke for the first time at age 13.  I bet most people would blame their dad if he did those things, then they ended up struggling with addiction.  Mr. Kiedis does not.  He accepts that the choices were his own.  He owned it.

If your choice is to live your life on purpose; to intentionally create the life that you want to live, you have to accept personal responsibility for your life.  This includes the bad stuff.  It is so much easier to blame others when we are not happy, but where is that really going to get you?

Its hard to accept the responsibility for your own happiness, because it means that if you're not happy, its up to you to fix it.  This is not easy to accept, especially if you have created the habit of blaming others.

We have all been hurt by others, but what does it accomplish to spend your time wishing it hadn't happened, or being angry at the person who hurt you?  What good is that doing anyone?  Live your life on purpose.  Realize that the pain you experienced will make you a stronger person if you allow it to.  Decide how to use the pain to grow.  You didn't choose to be hurt, but you get to choose how you react to it.  What will your choice be?  How will that choice affect your life long term?

Here's an example from my own life.  Last year, I was thinking about why I always feel unfulfilled by my accomplishments.  No matter what I did, I felt that I could have done better and that I should not feel proud of my achievement.  For a couple of months, I really listened to the little voice in my head.  I wanted to hear exactly what it was saying.

I figured it out.  It sounded exactly like my dad when I was a kid.  My dad was incapable of giving a compliment without adding on a dig.  No matter what I did, I shouldn't feel good about it because I should have done more, or better.  Even though he had stopped doing it when I was 15 (that's another story) I had internalized the behavior, and I had been doing it to myself ever since.

So what's to be done?  Blame my dad?  Get mad about it?  How about, own it!  I was doing this to myself, and that was no one's fault but my own.  I decided to stop my little voice from talking to me that way, and I figured the best way to do it would be to set a very challenging goal for myself, and give myself permission to feel proud when I achieved it.  And that is the reason I am currently training for a triathlon.

Will you own it?  Will you take responsibility for your own life and your own happiness, instead of blaming others?  Are you ready to be happy, but accept the work that comes with it?  I gotta tell you, it feels pretty good.

Greatness

You can't half-ass greatness.  Do you feel like you have greatness in your future?  A lot of us feel like we are above average, and we're kind of waiting to see where the greatness will take place.  Whatever form it takes, greatness is out there waiting for you.

But there is something that you can't overlook.  Its not possible to be great at only one thing in your life.  In order to be great at one thing, greatness needs to be the focus of every aspect of your life.  What I mean is this:  if you're working as a server, or housekeeper to make ends meet while you pursue some other passion, then you should be the best damn server or housekeeper you can be.

Aim for greatness at your day job.  Aim for greatness at the gym.  Aim for greatness in your friendships and your relationships.  Greatness isn't a switch you can flip on and off.  Its something that you choose to be, with your entire being.  Try so hard that you take pride in what you do every day.  Every night you should be able to look back at your day and know that you did your best.  You should feel proud of the effort that you made.

As in all aspects of life, there are no shortcuts towards happiness.  When it comes time to make a decision, nine times out of ten, the hard choice is the right one.  To achieve your greatness, you're going to have to make hard choices.  You're going to have to be uncomfortable.  You're going to have to do hard things when you'd rather do easy things.

If you make it your goal to be the best at everything you do, and take pride in every success you have, even the little ones, then you'll find the greatness you're looking for.

Get a coach

Do you think you're better than Tiger Woods?  Why do we stop getting coaching in our lives?  It could be because we think that once we're good at something, we're above coaching.  Or maybe our fragile ego feels that pointing out an area for improvement is the same as saying that we have failed by not being perfect.

Professional athletes are the absolute best in the world at what they do.  They are the best by so great a margin that we mere mortals cannot hope to ever compete at that level.  And yet, every single one of them has a coach.  Every one of them has someone to point out how they can improve.

Today I drove a couple hours to take a swim clinic for triathletes.  My first triathlon is less than 3 months away, and my swim is by far my weakest event, so I need some help.  Even though I know this, as I finished a lap and came up for the coach to give me feedback, I kind of didn't want to hear what he had to say.  Then I gave myself an internal slap (Michael Phelps has a coach, so shut your pie-hole, stupid ego), reminded myself of why I was there, and listened.

None of us is the best at what we do.  We all have room to improve.  An yet, few of us actively seek feedback from anyone to help us improve.  Imagine how much better we could be.  Imagine how much better you would feel about yourself after improving your job performance, or your golf swing, or your ability to discipline your kids.

Get a mentor.  Get a coach.  Join a discussion forum.  All of the best things in life require being uncomfortable for awhile.  Progress requires sacrifice.  So suck it up, shut down your ego, and let someone tell you how you can improve yourself.

Girls are mean

Boys hurt each other on the outside.  Girls go way deeper.  Being a father of two girls means that I have to somehow help them deal with the cruelty of girls.  Today Mariah found out that two of her classmates invited all of the other eighth graders, including the teachers, to their dance show this weekend, but did not invite Mariah or one other girl.  What's a dad to do?

I try to set the most realistic expectations for my girls.  I have told them since they were little that they don't have to do anything.  They have free will.  If they choose to be mean, that is their choice.  But they should remember that every choice comes with a consequence, either positive or negative.  So I can't tell Mariah that those girls have to be nice to her.  Instead I tell her that they're being mean.  Because, really, what else can you say?  Sometimes girls are just mean to each other.  Well, not just girls of course, but I have daughters so that's where we are right now.

I pointed out that her school is very, very small.  Next year she'll be in high school with 1000 other kids, and will have many more options for friends.  I know that this doesn't help the situation now.  But when kids are being mean to you, and are excluding you, nothing can really help you feel better about it.  It hurts.  It sucks.  I wish I could take the pain for her, but I know that experiencing this pain, and being able to get through it and talk about it with me and with Leah, will help her be a stronger person.

Every thing that doesn't kill you really does make you stronger, but only if you let it.  My sweet little girl is getting a little stronger today.  I'm happy about it, and I hate it.