It's broken

Sometimes you can damage a relationship so badly that it can't be fixed.  I've written before about how anger and communication don't go together, and especially anger and writing or emailing.  But betrayals of trust can be just as damaging.

We all learned growing up that if you apologize for what you did wrong, the other person is supposed to say that it's okay, and forgive you for it.  As children, this is true.  Of course, as children, things that require an apology usually involve an infraction involving sharing, or maybe an accidental collision.

As we get older, and relationships get more complicated, there are more and more ways that you can hurt someone.  And as these increase, so do the chances that you can hurt someone so badly that you cannot apologize it away.  Even if you feel that what you did should be forgiven, it may not be.  Or, the other person may forgive you, and you move forward with your relationship, but the relationship will never be what it was before.

Trust is a powerful thing.  It can take years to build it up, and only seconds to destroy it.  Don't ever forget this.  If you betray someone's trust, your relationship with them may never be the same.  Even if you do it thinking that you're doing the right thing, or thinking that you're helping somehow, a betrayal of trust can never be undone.

Are you fat?

Who says you're fat?  When you look in the mirror, do you see your body the way it really looks, or the way that society and the popular media have trained you to see it?

I was talking with the girls tonight about a topic we've covered many times; body image.  From the time that they were too little to understand what I was talking about, I started showing them the cover pictures on magazines at the store.  I would explain to them that when you see those images of extremely skinny women, day after day, year after year, the idea slowly seeps into your brain that that is what a woman should look like.

As they got older, I would show them the magazine covers and ask them to think about every woman they have ever met.  Do they know anyone with that body?  Have they ever even seen a woman with a body like that?  How many women have you seen in your life who look like that?  We've just recently started to talk about how the images are airbrushed.

These images are not realistic portrayals of what a woman looks like.  But the problem gets worse.  Not only do women see these images and start to think that they should look like a cover model, but men see them too.  Boys grow up seeing these pictures, and thinking that a woman should look like that.  Then they call girls fat if they have a normal, healthy body, and the girl believes it because she's been looking at the same images.

There is no doubt that we have an epidemic of obesity in this country, and I am by no means suggesting that you should allow your body to be unhealthy.  But healthy does not mean having ribs that show through your shirt.  Healthy women have some curves on them.  You know if you're healthy or not.  You know if you're in shape or not.  You know if you exercise, if you watch what you eat, if you drink enough water and get enough sleep.  These are the things that make a healthy body.

The next time you look in the mirror, and you think there's a fat girl looking back at you, look again.  What do you really see?  Is that a healthy female body?  Decide for yourself.  Make the choice to not automatically believe the images you've been seeing your whole life.  You'll feel better about yourself if you do.

Don't type angry

Have you ever tried to un-send an email?  You haven't, because there's no such thing.  Once you click "send" it's gone and there is no getting it back.  This is the reason for the rule; don't type angry.

For that matter, speaking when angry doesn't work out all that well either.  You say things that are coming from your anger, not from the feelings where you normally live.  And although your words won't be in writing like an email, they can still cause damage that you can't take back.

The bottom line this; is anger and communication do not go together.  The point of communication between us is to improve our lives; to help each other; to solve problems.  None of these things can be accomplished if we are angry.  When someone is speaking to you in an angry way, can you really hear what they are saying?  You can't hear them, because all you can hear is their anger.  We know this about others, but we forget about it when it comes to ourselves.

The next time you find yourself mad about something, try to not speak about it.  And absolutely don't email about it.  Let it simmer, and wait until your emotions have subsided.  You'll be able to think about it in a more rational way, and you won't risk saying something that you'll have to apologize for later.

It's not personal

Someone was mean to you.  Someone did something selfish that was hard for you.  You feel like it has something to do with you.  It doesn't.  Not only is it not personal, it actually has nothing to do with you.

It's easy to feel like the actions of other people has something to do with us, especially when their actions affect us.  The fact is, when people are being mean or selfish, their actions are usually so self-centered that they never think for a moment how their actions are affecting other people.

If someone is having a bad day (or a bad life) they will frequently express their frustrations by being mean others.  We all interact with them.  Maybe it's the cashier at the store, or a co-worker, or it could even be someone you love.  When people are acting out in an unkind way towards you, try to remember that while their  negativity is coming in your direction, it is actually only a symptom of their own unhappiness.

When a person is selfish, they will frequently hurt the people close to them by being insensitive to their feelings.  Again, this has nothing to do with you.  They haven't thought of you because they are selfish, which is about them, not about you.  Selfish people are selfish because of themselves, not because of you.  The next time the selfish person in your life is being totally insensitive to what you need, try to remember that they treat everyone this way because they're selfish.  It has nothing to do with you.  Selfish people can never be truly happy, because if you truly believe that you are the most important person there is, you can never be satisfied.

It's hard to remember this when you're feeling the pain from someone else's actions, but try it.  Remind yourself that it isn't about you.  It isn't personal.  You may even feel some sympathy for a person who is so selfish or hurtful that they are preventing their own happiness.

It could be worse

No matter how bad things are, they can always get worse.  I like to keep this perspective in mind when I'm thinking about whatever bad thing may be going on in my life.  Last week I heard an interview with the golfer who choked and threw away his lead at the Masters last year.  He said, "if that was the worst day of my life, I'm better off than most people."  What a great perspective.

It's easy to get bogged down in looking at the things that aren't going your way.  If you're not careful, you can start to think things are really bad.  In reality, things are rarely very bad.  There are always things that you can choose to be thankful for.

The last thing you want to do is think that things can't get any worse.  I feel like this is just inviting disaster.  Go ahead and imagine how things could get worse, then be thankful that none of those things have happened.  And if some of those things do happen, then be thankful that all of them didn't happen.

If you're willing to choose to focus on the good things going on, even when there are bad things going on, you'll find that the bad things don't seem quite so bad.

You're right, but you're still wrong

Sometimes if you're right, you're still wrong.  How badly do you feel the need to defend yourself?  Do you find yourself trying to prove you're right even when it doesn't really matter?  Sometimes proving that you're right can actually make the situation worse, not better.

I had a boss a number of years ago who loved to try to prove himself right all the time, even when he was wrong.  I wouldn't argue with him because he was the boss, and even if I convinced him that I was right, he would have made me pay for it in the long run.  So I kept my mouth shut.

I started thinking a lot about why it was so important for him to prove himself right.  He owned the company.  His name was on the building.  He made over a million dollars a year.  What was he trying to prove?  I finally realized that in spite of his position and income, he was extremely insecure.  He was trying to compensate for his own insecurity by proving himself right all the time.

The next time you find yourself trying to prove that you're right about something that doesn't really matter, think about why you're doing it.  What are you trying to prove?  Can it be enough to just know that you're right, even if the people around you don't?

If it doesn't matter, try to let it go.  See if you can feel better about yourself regardless of what other people think.

Your plan won't work

Your plan looks great, and I'm really pulling for you, but it's not going to work out that way.  One thing that I have definitely learned about life is that your plans almost never work out the way you planned them.  Things do work out in the end, but almost never the way you thought they would.

It's important to plan things out sometimes.  You don't need to plan all the time, but sometimes it's necessary.  However, most things in your life are outside of your control, which means that something is going to come along and sidetrack your plan.  What do you do then?  Cry?  Freak out?  You could, but what's the point?

Remind yourself that this is going to work out.  You don't know how it will work out, but it will.  And I believe that it's more likely to work out if you keep believing that it will.

So don't be too hung up on how it works out, as long as it works out.  If you can let go a little, you'll enjoy the process a lot more.