Nobody's perfect

Nobody's perfect, not even dads.  Since today is Father's Day, of course it got me thinking about my dad, which got me thinking about relationships with the people in our lives in general.  Every person in our lives brings us something we can learn from.  Some of it is positive, and some of it is negative, but it is all something we can learn from to shape our own selves, and our own lives.

My dad taught me a lot about how to be a man, and he also gave me examples of how I did not want to be. When I think about him now, I think about the good things that he did as much as the bad things.  But here's the catch; I appreciate both of them.  I try to be like him with the good things, and I try to not be like him for the bad things.  Just because someone has flaws doesn't mean they can't teach you.

Think about the people in your life.  Not just your family, but friends, teachers, co-workers.  What can you learn from each of them?  Think about someone you don't like, or someone who makes you feel bad.  Doesn't that make you think about how you can be a better person, so that you don't make other people feel bad?

Most people go through life making choices without really thinking about what they're choosing and why they're choosing it.  If you choose to live your life on purpose, you can choose to copy the negative behaviors around you, or the positive ones.  It's your choice.  What will you choose?

Relationships end

You know you're not going to marry every person you date, so why do you think that every friendship in your life will last forever?  Movies and tv shows don't help us; every time friends have a fight they work it out by the end.  Parents don't help when they ask "why aren't you friends with so-and-so any more?  Should I call their mom?"

Here's the thing that no one tells us.  Every single relationship you have in your life will change, and most relationships will end. This is not a bad thing; it's just the way relationships work.  You change as you get older, and so do the people around you.  So it makes sense that you will outgrow each other, or move in different directions.  There isn't any reason to end things on bad terms, since you may end up growing back together later.

Think about your parents and people their age.  How many of them have friends that they've had since childhood?  Even if they do still have some of those friends, I can guarantee you the relationship has changed over the years.

Change of any kind is hard.  It's stressful.  And relationships, by their nature, are emotional.  So it makes sense that the end of any relationship is difficult to go through.  Try to remember this as you lose friends, or as friends lose interest in being close to you.  It will be hard, and that's okay.  But keep in mind that it's normal.  It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you, or with the person you're no longer friends with.  It's just what happens.

Keep making good choices, and being a good person.  Treat people around you kindly.  This way, when your friendships end you can have a clear conscience.  And you'll know that there's another friend out there waiting for you to find each other.

Let the damsel in distress stay there

You can't save somebody.  At least, you can't save them from themselves.  Let's say you meet someone, and you're attracted to them, but they're in a crisis.  Run away.  The problem with someone being in a crisis is that if that is their condition when you meet them, then that is their condition.

Some people live from one crisis to the next.  That is their condition.  Some people are always broke.  That is their condition.  Do you ever wonder how someone could win the lottery, then be broke a few years later?  You know that one friend or co-worker you have who is always, always, broke?  That is the same person.  Their condition is being broke, and nothing, not even winning the lottery, will change that.  

We all know people who seem to just jump from one crisis to the next.  We may look at their life and think, how can they be that messed up?  It is their condition, and there is nothing you can do to change it.

If you met me while I was in some sort of personal crisis, you would never know it.  I would be working through it, solving it, and moving on with my life.  The crisis would not be such a defining part of my personality that I would tell you about it early in our relationship.  Because being in a crisis is not my condition.

This rule does not apply only to romantic relationships.  It is also true for hiring employees, picking roommates, and evaluating friendships.  I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't have any sort of a relationship with someone in crisis, but if you're going to enter into a relationship, it helps to set the correct expectations.  People typically do not change.  They remain exactly who they are, and it is your choice whether you want to allow them to be part of your life, and not to expect them to ever be any different than exactly who they are today.

Why are people mean?

"Daddy, why did that man honk and give you the finger?"  "Oh honey, that's because his wife won't have sex with him."  How do you explain to kids why people are mean?  Put simply, people who are happy with their own lives treat the people around them well.

Personally, it helps me to accept others' actions if I can understand why they did what they did.  Understanding where someone else is coming from doesn't make it hurt any less when they are mean to you, but at least it can help to know that it isn't personal.  That person isn't striking out at you because of who you are.  They are striking out at the pain in their own lives.

Is the guy behind you in traffic actually irate at you?  Or is he in a miserable marriage, working for a boss who doesn't appreciate him?  He feels like he can't yell at his wife, because he has to live with her, and he can't yell at his boss, because he'll get fired.  But the other driver on the road is someone he can yell at.

Think about it the next time you find yourself angry at someone.  Are you actually mad at what that person just did?  Is your level of anger appropriate for the situation?  Or are you channeling anger from somewhere else?  Now take that a step further.  When you've been repeatedly put down, or looked over, or hurt by someone, doesn't it give you just a moment of power to do the same thing to someone else?

The problem is, it only lasts for a moment, because you can't use someone else's pain to get your pleasure.  You can find your own true happiness by treating other people well, and by being true to yourself.

I know how much it hurts when someone is mean to you.  We've all had it happen to us, and it hurts every time.    But the next time it happens, try to think about what that person is really doing.  I'm happy with my life, and I spend my days treating people well.  What does it say about the person yelling at me?  How miserable are they?  Isn't that kind of sad?

Girls are mean

Boys hurt each other on the outside.  Girls go way deeper.  Being a father of two girls means that I have to somehow help them deal with the cruelty of girls.  Today Mariah found out that two of her classmates invited all of the other eighth graders, including the teachers, to their dance show this weekend, but did not invite Mariah or one other girl.  What's a dad to do?

I try to set the most realistic expectations for my girls.  I have told them since they were little that they don't have to do anything.  They have free will.  If they choose to be mean, that is their choice.  But they should remember that every choice comes with a consequence, either positive or negative.  So I can't tell Mariah that those girls have to be nice to her.  Instead I tell her that they're being mean.  Because, really, what else can you say?  Sometimes girls are just mean to each other.  Well, not just girls of course, but I have daughters so that's where we are right now.

I pointed out that her school is very, very small.  Next year she'll be in high school with 1000 other kids, and will have many more options for friends.  I know that this doesn't help the situation now.  But when kids are being mean to you, and are excluding you, nothing can really help you feel better about it.  It hurts.  It sucks.  I wish I could take the pain for her, but I know that experiencing this pain, and being able to get through it and talk about it with me and with Leah, will help her be a stronger person.

Every thing that doesn't kill you really does make you stronger, but only if you let it.  My sweet little girl is getting a little stronger today.  I'm happy about it, and I hate it.